Charles Firestone

It is no secret why I am the clear victor of our now infamous blog war. As it has been said by Herman, by me, and even by Miranda, I am a deity. I am omniscient and I am omnipotent. I am the morning and evening star. And perhaps most important, I have the power to impregnate virgins. Surely you all see the implications of my awesome power, do you not? That’s right judge #4, I know about your ‘fishing trips’ away from your wife. And you, judge #6, I know all about your one night stand with judge #3’s cat. Besides, if you don’t choose me as the blog war’s champion, I can always split the ground and create one of those deep, cavernous, lava filled, uh…caverns, like I have been known to do in the movies.
But if my godliness does not suffice, which it will (or I shall smite you with a barrage of lightning bolts), then consider this: None of this would have happened without me, and I don’t just mean the war. Not only did my insane posse of commenters enrage the other members of the war, forcing to bombard me with their vicious rhetoric, but it was my comment on the four ninja food groups website that lead Miranda and the rest of Team Tenderloin to our blogs. I started this war, and now I shall finish it with either my evil commenting horde, or if that doesn’t pan out then with the AK-47 I bought with my Google AdSense earnings (and don’t forget about the smiting ability).
So you see, I can’t win the war, because I have already won it.


A Cranky Old Jew said...

Let's go through the list, shall we?

A) It wasn't due ompiscience that you know about judge #6 and the cat, it was due to your cat fetish (or judge fetish, I'm not quite sure) and the zooming scope of the high power rifle you cryptically refer to as Mr. Belltower.

B) I am NOT comparing Chaz to Hitler, and that's not sarcasm, because no childish war is worth that. But, seriously Chaz. You go to the best known Jewish high school in the entire country. You're the winner of this war... because you started it? I hate to patronize you by explaining the beasic theories of cause and effect, but that's like saying the banana peel was lying there because I slipped on it. I'm sure your theory wouldn't get a great reception in Germany, either.

C) I really do have more things to say, but I'm about to board a train to Montreal, so I don't have time. Someone else finish for me, or I will later on.

Much love,

Thaozee said...

I'm waiting for the post that just says:

"Because I rock the fuck out. I wail on my guitars all the fricken time"

Herman said...

I'll take it from here Fromstein

D) The ONLY person who has referred to you as a diety is Miranda. I call you EVIL, but never OMNIPOTENT.

E) Any male with a penis and a normal sperm count (along with several small details) can impregnate a virgin. You and I stand an equal chance of impregnating a virgin (unless The Orange Dart counts...in which case, you win).

F) "So you see, I can’t win the war, because I have already won it." ..ya, and I use bad sentence structure.

G) Your commenting horde has significantly died down. At the time of my writing this there were 16 comments. Hardly a horde. More of a ragtag band of minions.

H) If you truly were the omnipresent diety you claim to be, then you would simply smite and/or eliminate all opposing blogs. Since you do not do as such, it can be reasoned that you are not a God. (The same logic is used to disprove the Judeo-Christian God's existance- see The Problem of Evil

Umm...that's all that jumps out at me right now. I'll be back later to yell some more.

Peace and so on

Chaz said...

Great job, Herman, now allow me to shoot down everything you have said.

D) In your post complaining about me, called me "Satan". Is Satan a deity? I'll answer for you: Yes.

E) You cannot impregnate a virgin, despite what you say. Perhaps you don't know this, but girls don't get impregnated the moment Rod A is inserted into Slot B. By the time the woman has actually been impregnated, she is no longer a virgin. I guess if you inserted the sperm inside her surgically, then she would be a virgin, but clearly that's not what you were talking about.

F) There is absolutely nothing wrong with that sentence. How can you win a war if the war has already been won? That was the point I was making; The war has been won. By me.

G) Thank you for pointing out that 30 waking hours after I posted, I had received 16 comments. Also, keep in mind that at the time of the post in question, a sizeable portion of my horde had left for camp, and was unable to comment.

H) Why would I want to destroy other people's blogs? I enjoy reading them, even if it is to laugh at how dumb they sound. Everyone has a right to write, a right which I defend (heehee).

Good thinkin' Herman.

Fromstein. Half your points (That's 1) were significantly better thought out than all of Herman's combined. I didn't win the war because I started it, but rather because I was the reason for all the attention surrounding it (and all the smiting stuff). Also, for all the common blah blah blah reasons like intelligence and humour and all the other things that Herman lacks.

Chaz out.

P.S. Herman, we are still friends, but this is how war works.

j said...

Yo Hermdog,

How do you know that I am a virgin?


Chaz said...

*Puffs up his chest in a manly way*

Herman said...

*Gouges eyes out in disgust*

Herman said...


1) Satan isn't a deity, he is a fallen angel. My Big Ass Dictionary defines a deity as a "god or goddess". Satan is not one of these.

2)Artificial Insemination (or ArtSem in Newspeak). It's how one of my best friends was born, AND it's a safe and fun way to impregnate virgins (assuming you hate sex)

3) Your line follows a logical quirk though. If you claim you cannot win the war, you cannot claim that you have then won it. If you had said "No one ELSE can win the war" or something to that effect, it would make sence.

4) So in other words, you have fair-weather fans. AND, you mean to tell me that your friends who go to camp accuount for up to 100+ comments? I think not.

5) But as a self (and Miranda) proclaimed 'deity', it would be your duty to eliminate all bad things from your realm of power (ie, our blogs, which you speak of with such disdain). The fact that you dont points to the fact that you are not a God, or even a Demigod.

Peace and so on

Bensinger333 said...

Dear Julia,
that is all.
Love Ben

Dear Chaz,
you admitted to blackmail... This doesn't d/q you?