6.29.2005

David Fromstein

Greetings to all spectators of the now-famous Blog War '05. My name is David Fromstein, better known as A Cranky Old Jew. I'm here to tell you why I'm the obvious winner of this war. And, if I've learned anything from watching politics over the past few years (which I haven't, since I don't follow politics), it's that it's always easier to build yourself up by tearing others down than to actually do anything yourself. On that note, I'm going to start by pointing out why everyone else in this war is probably either the cause of incest or drug abuse. Ben, the founder of our Toronto blogging community, and my best friend for the past decade or so, clearly doesn't grasp the concept of a blog. You can't just write about how your day was and expect people to care. Also, don't spread this around, but I've heard he's got a thing for sheep. You know, like more than a friend. Next there's Chaz, the world-renowned anti-Christ who's the cause for this escalating from mere boiling hatred into an all out war. While he understands that you're not just supposed to write about the monotony of everyday life, he doesn't actually write anything worth reading. Grass? Boogers? Fashion? I can trace every one of his posts to the same 2 hour George Carlin routine. For God's sake Chaz, if you're going to rip off a famous comedian, at least make it a funny famous comedian! Herman, the in-again-out-again Closeteer. He's sorta like a watered down version of me: funny, but not as funny; offensive, but not as offensive; intelligent, but still pretty dumb. Also, the scraggly hairs he grows off his chin really add to his face's already startling resemblance to a scrotum. Finally, is Lauren even in this? She's woman! Since when do we let women learn to read? This is the problem with society today.

All that in mind, I should probably cap this whole thing off with why I'd be the victor even if my competition wasn't all just a wee bit retarded. I'm the only one out there with the balls to say what I really think, and fuck the consequences. I'll tell you the real scoop, exactly how it happened, with no rounded edges. Unless, of course, I think it's funnier to lie about it. I'm also the only one who's upfront about all my "phobias" and "hatreds". If I don't like your race, gender, colour or hairstyle, you're gonna hear about it to your face, unlike the rest of our group of Hebes who are perfectly nice to everyone until they're out of earshot. Also, with the possible exception of Lauren, I'm the best looking, and have gotten more action than everyone else in our little group put together, multiplied by two. How do you multiply action? Who cares! The point is, you should vote for me, because I can find out where you live. Until next time, this is David Fromstein saying "Oh please, the term 'blow up doll' is insulting. Janine prefers 'inflatable life partner.'"

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

fromstein is clearly the winner of this blog war - not only are all his blogs funnier, more intelligent and more creative then the others, his two paragraphs are so much better than the others that there is no comparison!
YAY FROM!!!

Chaz said...

The way I see it, Fromstein has just joined Ben and Herman and has broken the rules of what we were supposed to do! Miranda clearly told us not to point fingers at other people, a rule that I followed, but that you three did not. So unless Lauren's paragraph's are better than mine, which, as Fromstein alluded to, they clearly won't be due to her gender, I will be crowned...uh, what do you call the winner of a war? The survivor?

Yeah.

Chaz out.

A Cranky Old Jew said...

All is fair in love and war, Chazzy boy. That is why I have taken the preemptive action of burning down your village, from the safety of my current Montreal haven. Fear not readers, judges, and nymphomaniacs, I shall be home soon. Thank you for your patience and loyalty.

Much love,
Fromstein

Herman said...

Ya. Chaz, clearly the intent was for us to go apeshit on each other.

And Fromstein, while my facial hair may look bad, it motivates the ladies.

Wow.

That sounded bad, even from me.

Peace and so on
Herman

Herman said...

O, and you recylced that line from another one of your websites, Fromstein

Milkshake said...

This one cracks me up because my car is named Janine, after a Soul Coughing song. Tee-hee. (she prefers transportation specialist, actually.)

Tomas said...

oops.... lost one point on dissing George Carlin........

A Cranky Old Jew said...

Just to clear up my stance on George Carlin...

I do respect that he is a funny man, and a talented comedian. However, I hate him because he's a stupid dipshit. Anyone who takes the time to listen to his bits and think about the ramifications of what he says would immediately dismiss him as, as the French say, "a hippy dumbass."

He's just so retarded. Anyone who describes "all government and law enforcement officials" as stupid and useless needs to spend a few hours in a communist anarchy. I'd love to watch him drag his bloody sodomized ass back to America (which I'm not from, and am often morally opposed to, just for non-retarded reasons) and beg for a Big Mac and an upper class tax cut.

So, I'm willing to lose all the marks you wanna take off if you still think that George Carlin isn't an excellent example of why free speech really isn't that great an idea.

Much love,
Fromstein

A Cranky Old Jew said...

Also, 'Randy, cudos (kudos? koodose? quudaz?) on changing the comment datestamp format. That took real chutzpah.

Much love,
Fromstein

Milkshake said...

Thnx From. I owe it all to you.

still_figuring_out said...

all hail the king...??

Milkshake said...

oh, my dear troubled Chaz. Victor is the word you're looking for, and I'm not talking about that guy Herman's sleeping with (sorry dude, I couldn't help myself).

Herman said...

Hey, Victor is going through a tough time in his life. He's a little confused. It was the least I could do to ease his suffering.

Let's see you make fun of that

Milkshake said...

Ummm...Dammit. I can't--I work like 70 hours a week and the last comment is the wittiest I've been in a while. I bet Fromstein can, though.

Oh! Wait! I got it:

"..."

Nope. Not gonna happen.