Early Returns

Those of you who were either in or paid attention to America the first time President I Shave My Bush Jr. was elected, pretend this post is a hand-held wipe off board, and I am the proud new owner of a green dry erase marker (yay! I've always wanted one!).

Now loose, hanging and pregnant chads aside, hand counting votes for this competition is becoming alot more difficult than I had anticipated. Not only has the entire rule structure come into question, but the quality and bearing of the judges responses. Now, I have done my best to remain unbiased, and this early return post is both a heads up to all of you, and a way of "chikketty-chekking myself" before I start to you-know-what (wrikketty-wrekk myself for those of you who live in a goddamn cave or with Fromstein's Mom).
We have returns from 9 judges.
In the order that I received them, some excerpts:

Mark Huntsman:
"Fromstein is that Most Reasonable. and therefore the winner...and i love that his blow-up doll is named Janine."

Peter Counts:
Now, here is the first anomoly. Counts was the first to point out that none of them submitted a recent photo as they were asked, and so technically, they should all be disqualified. Ooops. Sure sucks to be the Slaughterhouse Five right now. Counts cast his official vote for me, although he added: "If I have to select one of the Slaughterhouse 5, I'll have to go with Ben: his reply was first, to the point, and funniest. I mean cummon, "bristling with pine cones"! Hell fuckin yeah! Also, that little bitch-cock-grabber Big D does whatever I say when I say it, so he votes for Ben too."

Daniel Summit:
Well, I guess Big D votes for Ben too. If I hear any different from him, I will change this vote.

"My vote has to go to Michael Herman. Why? Because he made me giggle, chuckle, and otherwise "tee hee".

Ed and Carrie Wilhelme:
"Our vote goes to Lauren. We were on the fence between her and the Jew, but then decided that they were all cocky bastard kids that we wouldn't want to spend five minutes with. So, since Lauren seemed like she was the most chill we give her our vote. Nicely played Lauren, we also voted for Nader."

Petunia McGillicuddy:
"Which Declared Winner would cause the most largest amount of chaos and ill-feeling, a truly tributary end to a truly anarchic war? Lauren. Hands down."

David Hodson:
"Oh damn it, I give it to the Jew, with Herman in close second. That's my vote, I'm sticking to it!"

Erika VanDyke:
"Ben's blog was the first, and I think will continue for a long time to come. For all the said reasons, I belive that BEN should be the winner of the blog war, and he has my vote!!"

"I was going to vote for Lauren, just cause the rest of them sucked.... so i guess i go w/2nd place pick..... Ben....... nah screw it... i'll still go w/Lauren"

Unfortunately, Tomas has been disqualified as a judge. Sure sucks to be him right now. Let me explain:
1) In a post on my blog, Tomas figuratively knocks 1 point from Fromstein for disliking George Carlin. I'm sorry, but even considering the stakes at hand, George Carlin still sucks dick for Cheerio's, and that is a terrible reason to deduct points from someone. Clearly, he is not casting his vote in a solid state of mind. Everyone can agree with that, I think.
2) What I posted here is not an excerpt--THIS IS ALL HE SENT ME. No explanation, nada. I specifically asked the judges for a brief explanation.
3) His bastardization of elipses (a triple period meant to indicate a pause or change of thought process within a written sentance) just pisses me off. Both on his blog and in every e-mail I've gotten from him, there are more periods than letters. Furthermore, an elipse is three periods. THREE. Not four, or six, or nine. A nine period elipse? What the fuck is that? I mean, Chaz Christ, this man replaces every known form of punctuation with a goddamn elipse; I think he would use one instead of an apostrophe given the opportunity. Goddamn it, it just makes me mad.
Sorry about the Fromstenesque (that word is totally tits) tirade there. Point being, from Tomas, points are awarded to no one.

So the tally as of now:

I would like to take this opportunity to point out two things:

1--No one has voted for Chaz yet. Hmmm.

2--I have not voted yet. Double hmmm.

I'll leave you, again, with a quote:

But I
have never felt so alive,
than tonight,
huddled in the trenches.
Raging on the battlefield,
our rifles blaze away,
we blaze away.

--Colin Meloy

Stay tuned, kittens.


Anonymous said...

lauren did not submit her required 2 paragraphs.

so shouldn`t she be disqualified?

Chaz said...

Woo hoo! I'm winning!

Anyways, I'd like to thank all those people out there who believed in me all this time, from my humble beginnings to my current tyrannical despotism.

Please, allow me to point out that I am the only one who followed the rules of this competition. Herman, Ben, and Fromstein all took shots at other people, which was against the rules, and Lauren didn't write anything at all...

So basically, I win by default. Thank you all for voting, your support is appreciated, but unnecessary.

If I was able to make fun of Ben's sappy poetry to a girl he has "secretly" liked for what seems like a millenium, Herman's scrotum chin and flamboyance, Fromstein's wussing out and leaving blogs, only to come back with his foot in his mouth, and Lauren's gender, then the votes would look like this:


But I guess nice guys finish last. I would make this comment longer but I have to cash the cheque that Google just sent me for being so damn cool.

Chaz out.

~PhoenixRising said...

Now, I would explain more on why I chose the cranky jew, but I think it's his understated ego. But that's not the reason I'm here. This last post about ellipses, what's the deal? I mean, I've been rocking ellipses since the beginning of time and haven't gotten a rant like this...
do you secretly hate the ellipses? Is this the truth we're finally coming to see?

You'll have to explain yourself. I'm going to go take in frat-beer-friday and you, well, you just think about what you've said...


Milkshake said...

A few things...
Yes, technically Lauren should be disqualified, but then again, they should all be disqualified with the possible exception of Fromstein and Ben because they each have photos in thier profiles.
Chaz--You apparently cannot read. You did not follow the rules, as I was never supplied a photo of you. Furthermore, I never said you guys couldn't take shots at each other, I just didn't want you guys repeating information that could be found elsewhere (like your blogs). I specifically said "no finger pointing"--meaning don't re-hash a bunch of shit we all already know, and blaming others for a bunch of shit nobody cares about. You were all perfectly welcome to call each other retarded, evil, or gay.
Hey, I love ellipses as much as the next guy, but the bastardization of such a specific and important piece of punctuation is just fucking rediculous. I'm sorry, but I can't frikken stand it. You, on the other hand, have always used them quite nicely, and always limited yourself to three at a time.

Now what if I had just said:

I'm sorry........but I can't frikken stand it.....You.............on the other hand.......have always used them quite nicely.................and always limit yourself to three at a time.........

It's fucking irritating, right?

Tomas said...

poetic license

A Cranky Old Jew said...

I agree with 'Randy, with the possible exception that, in some rare circumstances, a 5 period ellipse-like punctuational structure is sometimes permissible.

I really don't think Lauren should be disqualified (despite breaking every possible rule of the contest), I just don't think she belongs in the war at all. She has no beef with anyone. Ever. She's the least argumentative I know. She's like Mussolini on estrogen. The only real reason I want her out of the contest is because most people who voted for her seem like they would pick me if she wasn't an option. See? Honesty is fun.

Chaz... Oh, poor Chazzy boy. Even though I don't know what you look like (I believe we met once, for a few hours, and I was half drunk), I can vividly picture you rocking back and forth in the fetal position in the corner of your room whispering over and over again, "No, they didn't mean it, they love me, they love me, everyone votes for Chaz."

'Tooney, I was willing to accept that you weren't voting for me, but I can't believe you're voting for Lauren. This sorta goes for everyone who voted for Lauren. Petunia, I want you to know that I'm aborting the child you left me with that crazy night in May. It's just too painful, the memories.

Much love,

Chaz said...

I was about to do just that, Fromstein, but then I realized that my head would bang against the wall. So, I padded the corner with the wad of bills I received after cashing my AdSense cheque. Other than that, spot on.

Chaz out.

Herman said...

Ya....thank you Deuce, for apprectiating closet-humour.

The rest of you, I'd like to remind you that gay marrage is now legal here, so...well, I dont really know where that was going

Peace and so on

Herman said...

Also, D, you don't have to take shit from Counts, even if you are a cock grabber. Plenty of cock grabbers have gone on to live successful lives, like Oscar Wilde, Rock Hudson (minus dying of AIDS) and Sigfreid and Roy (sp?)

At this time, I would also like to point out taht I am the only other one being called a cock-grabber here. Just a thought

Peace and so on

charles.bukowski.costanza said...

oftentimes when people's collars get tight as they talk about rules and the violation thereof it seems a way to avoid informed choice. as does voting for the person who most obviously strayed from the rules. it's a cop-out. lauren essentially wrote "dear friends: have a great summer! see you around, maybe." only without the lloyd dobler-paraphrase. the fact that other judges voted for her made my lip do its best (still bad) jack nicholson curl while i snarled at the monitor, "i'm disqualified? you're disqualified! this whole court's disqualified!"

..the above is my way of saying that all this has been tremendously, stupidly fun. fromstein's submission just made my grin wider than the others did, so i voted for him.

all the love in my heart,


A Cranky Old Jew said...

As of tonight, the only one who'll be left in the fair city of Toronto is the one who has no shot of winning this contest: Chaz. I guess we'll see how it all turns out when we come back in 6 weeks. See you then, fuckers.

Much love,

Herman said...


Bensinger333 said...

Dearest Miranda,
I know it seems like this is how I start all my comments with dear, but only you get dearest. I must say, win or lose, I throughouly enjoyed your attempts to cleave my friends apart. While it appears that we have done this, I don't believe that to be true. In fact, I feel I've learned much more about them, and appreciate them all the more because of this. So thank you, and may the best man win.

Yours truly,
Benjamin D. Singer


still_figuring_out said...

that was so sweet, ben.

anyway, when will the winner be announced?

Petunia McGillicuddy said...

Hey, I wrote a bang-up couple of paragraphs outlining multiple reasons why I chose to vote for Lauren. No way was my vote a cop-out; it was a carefully, might I say painstakingly, thought-out and reasoned decision. And I stand by it!

I am surprised that no one voted for Chaz. I mean, gosh, you would think that the most comments on a blog would count for something!

Anonymous said...

are you like, ever going to announce the winner?

Milkshake said...

Well, that depends. Are the rest of the judges like, ever going to get back to me?

Petunia McGillicuddy said...

Hey, nice color change!

wasssa said...

I think this new color is what they paint inside insane asylums...(notice I only used 3 dots! Can I get my cookie now??)

Counts said...

Maybe it's cause M is going crazy waiting for the rest of the judges to respond. However, it clearly states after the rules that judgments will be posted 48 hours after the last entry. Therefore any judgements recieved now should be discarded.

But, who really gives a fuck, all the kids involved won't know till the end of summer when they get back from jew camp.

Thaozee said...

The new color scheme is destroying my treasured eyeballs!

still_figuring_out said...

"The new color scheme is destroying my treasured eyeballs!"


Bensinger333 said...

I beg to differ with counts. I can check this blog once a week from crazy Jew camp (days off) so not all the kids can't know. And as I'm obviously funnier than you, I slightly resent being called a kid. Just slightly, because I like being a kid.

wasssa said...

Are you a Flinstone's kid, a Toys 'R' Us kid, or a Trix cereal eatin' kid? That 'R' in Toys 'R' Us is so pretentious and annoying, so I hope you're not one of those kids. :)

Erika said...

But neway, as one of the judges Miranda, I'd really like to know who won!!

Herman said...

Having just rediscovered this blog, it saddens me to realize

1) How poorly my attempts at humor have aged

2) The lyric you quoted at the end is from a Decemberists album that I love, but that I realize must have been a few years old by the time I was out of high school, which is itself a depressing thought.