"It's a Blog Eat Blog World"

If you have ever wondered what happens to a group of sixteen year olds armed only with blogs and bloodlust, finish reading this post.

So, in the wake of starting our new multi-contributor blog, TEAM TENDERLOIN (starring Poser Counts as The Jedi, Big "Oh, you know why they call me that" D as The Pirate, Boy "With a U" Wunder as the Ninja, and me, Slutty-Slutty Bang-Bang as the Robot) I've been doing a little blog-hunting trying to gain some knoledge as to how to have a really rockin' team blog. In my perusal of the many fine blogs abounding the blogspot circuit, I came across, tucked in the farthest recesses of Ottowa, a full on blog war between a group of highschoolers.

Now, from what I can piece together, one kid Ben started a blog, and the rest of his friends followed suit. It was apparently shortly after when the whole thing started falling apart; what started as a fun activity between friends began to turn to a full-on HTML competition involving many different levels of cheating, lies, subterfuge, backstabbing, advertising, profits, and even one kid, Chaz, professing to be a blogging deity. By the way, the deity thing is %100 true.

The best part is, this is all unraveling as we speak-slash-type (that one's for Mark.)

If you thought Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance was funny (which it fucking is) then these kids will give you a goddamn annurism. These kids are operating on a level where Hackers and Cruel Intentions converge, and they are abso-fucking-lutely-we-don't-give-a-damn-take-no-prisioners serious. Blogging is thier livelihood. I swear to Chaz.

Highlights include but are not limited to:
-One of the kids names is David Fromstein. That in and of itself is funny, for as a self professed "Jewey Jew", David, by my standards, has the Jewiest name I've ever heard in my life. I thought it was fake at first.
-Chaz gets called "evil" more times than I can count on his friends blogs.
-Chaz also has let the popularity of his blog move him to litterally compare himself to Jesus. He has also been known to comment that he "won the gold in the blogging Olympics."
-Ben, the originator of the trend, acts as Obi Wan to Chaz's Annakin. He's not only strangly absent from the whole debate, but only grudgingly agknoledges Chaz's decent into the dark side of selling his blog to Google advertising. I think Ben still thinks that Chaz can be saved. Maybe he should cut his legs off and call it a day.
-There's this one girl, Lauren, who I think is sleeping with one of them. She just started her own blog a couple days ago (Gosh Lauren! Finally! You're always like, hella late and stuff), and the description of her blog reads: "A day without sunshine would be like...night." These kids are regular Pablo Fucking Nerudas.
-There's another kid named Herman who seems kind of unimportant, but I'm sure he fits in there somewhere. The cool thing about his blog is that you can totally tell that he's a closeted fag. It's funny because his friends can tell too.

All of this is culminating in Mr. Jewey Jew professing that he's done with blogging. From his blog, Fromstein's Modern Life:

"Alright, fuck this, and fuck you. I'm sick of this stupid blogging bullshit, I knew it was retarded from the start, and anyone who's ever visited this site is legally retarded. Go to the chemical testing facility nearest your house, they're looking for people like you.
Best of luck to the rest of the morons who still maintain blogs. If I ever pussy out and decide to start this shit up again, please beat me with hammers until I am physically unable to type, that oughta take care of things.
So, until next time, this is David Fromstein wishing that you'd stop looking both ways before you cross the street."

All of this within the inaugural days of our new blog and I think to myself, "could this happen to us?" Of course, then I remember, we have better things to do like get laid, and rid the world of hangovers. TEAM TENDERLOIN FOREVER!!!

p.s.--seriously, this is real, see for yourself:
  • Fromsteins Modern Life

  • The Chronicles of the Ben D. Singer Experience

  • Chaz Firestone, In Blog Form

  • Half My LIfe, In a Third of Its Insanity

  • Laurenism

  • also see:
  • and special thanks to Nicholas "I would highly consider driving to Oakland for you" Mathisen who gave me the title for this post.


    Bensinger333 said...

    Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ben. I'm rather amused that you found our 'blog war'. Because of it, I almost regretted 'discovering' blogging for my friends and I. It's not as bad as you make it out.

    Also, it's 'Old Cranky Jew'.

    Also, Herman's very important... to some.

    Also, WE LIVE IN TORONTO! And it's spelled Ottawa!

    Also, keep reading my blog, I get a huge kick out of people reading my stuff. And it isn't really selling out, advertising.

    The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

    (And if you have better things to do than comment on a blog war, why don't you?!) :-)

    Chaz said...

    Ahaha wow this is funny. I am Chaz by the way, the deity.

    I will explain how this all started, to clear up any confusion:

    Ben started it all 8 months ago when he first postes. Unknowingly, he was setting the blog war into motion.

    I, approximately 6 months later, started my own blog, which became very popular, very quickly.

    David Fromstein also started a blog, as did Michael Herman.

    It quickly became known to all parties involved that I had the largest audience (or blodience, as I call it), and thus began the ingamous blog war.

    As my blog grew, receiving 104 comments at its peak popularity, Ben, Herman and Fromstein began to resent me. Ben is a nice guy, so he didn't get too mad. Fromstein is a witty guy who tried to make his blog interesting, but unfortunately for him, my blodience eclipsed his. Herman is a controversial writer, who became sick of my ruling over the blogging uniserve as the four of us knew it.

    Also, I pasted my link into comments, like I did in this one, which furthered angered the three, most notably Herman.

    Herman began publishing anti-Chaz doctrine on his blog, and Fromstein followed suit. I tried to defend myself, but it was no use against their combined stubbornness. Ben tried to mediate, to no avail.

    In the end, there were many casualties. Fromstein left the blogosphere, apparently because of me.

    Herman (the closet fag), became very frustrated with me, and that, combined with his pent-up homosexual angst, lead to a meltdown, and a post directed at how 'evil' I am.

    Ben and I are still sane, and we have both placed google ads on our blogs, which for me brings in about $10 a day. Not to shabby for not having to do anything.

    So that's the story. And I'm 17, not 16.

    This was a really funny post, I'm gunna come back here some time.

    Chaz out.

    Chaz said...

    Oh, also, did you know that you spelled 'satelite' wrong on your URL?

    Is that on purpose so that it looks more like 'seattleite'? Because they would sounds similar either way...

    Herman said...

    Well, as the closet-homosexual in this escepade, I figure I should have a say.

    Somehow, mostly due to me having a lot of time on my hands, this got way out of hand

    Chaz failed to mention that he was going on people's random site's, posting a irrelevent comment, and then making a link for his blog.

    Apparantly, becuase I made ONE post against him, in my typical satirical manner, this means that I have some long seeded vendetta against him.

    For Christsakes, it was a joke.

    And I'm glad its fun for you to mock someone's suspected sexual orientation. It takes a lot of guts to call me a "closted fag", what sitting in some room a thousand miles away. Fucking riot, you stupid bitch. Where do you live again? Right, San Fransisco. Go out there and call people there closeted fags, see the reaction you get.

    You claim to be so above our juvenille antics, but yet you can go right ahead and call someone gay, with no proof.

    If this is how your 'mature' friends get their shits and giggles, then I'm damn glad that I'm still a kid.

    A Cranky Old Jew said...

    Fromstein here. This is the funniest mention I've ever had, and thank you very much for writing it. While it is true that I've given up on blogging due to the corruption of our little circle, I will definitely check out this blog every once in a while, and would be more than happy to provide commentary on the state of affairs in our Jewey Toronto blogosphere.

    While your summary of our lives was fairly accurate, allow me to break it down a little further.

    Ben: The one who started it all (very aptly [and nerdily] described as Obi Wan). Easily the most religious and emotionally-open of the four, his blog covered topics from his secret crushes on hot girls to trips to the dentist to the Holocaust. No one really has anything bad to say about him.

    Chaz: The next to follow suit. He bullied and cajoled people in commenting on his blog en masse, and quickly the comments outshadowed the blogs themselves. A decent writer, and not technically "evil", but definitely very annoying by posting shameless self promotional comments on other people's blogs, then selling out and adding ads to his own. We spit on him, but offer him a tissue to wipe it off. Then spit on him again.

    Me: An atheist, yet somehow the Jewiest of the bunch. I'm clearly the funniest one, but seeing as how my posts are also incredibly racist and offensive to as many people as possible, people tend not to comment, giving the allusion (please, just let me cling to this hope) that my blog isn't as popular or appreciated as Chaz's. I'm the guy that everyone hates, but secretly loves deep down inside because they think I'll change one day. And I bring the booze.

    Herman: Definitely not a "fag", as I can sadly attest to after hearing him bitch about one girl or another for the past 2 years. A little melodramatic perhaps, but another funny writer who just needs to find his voice. And a woman. Preferably drunk.

    Lauren: Not sleeping with anyone, despite her boyfriend's wishes. Aside from that, not really worth commenting on.

    Well, you've actually made me miss blogging, our little soap-opera sounds more fun when you tell it. Oh well, here's hoping that your community falls apart at the seams like ours did. Le'chaim!

    Milkshake said...

    Okay, seriously guys, if you did bot beleive me before--BELEIVE ME NOW. These kids are fucking hilarious, I fucking LOVE them. I swear to Chaz. Also, Fromstein is right--he is the funniest one.

    Bensinger333 said...

    Hey! I'm f*cking Obi-wan! Ewan McGregor is a f*cking riot!

    Herman said...

    And so what, am I the gayest?

    Thaozee said...

    Wow, you found gold! Too bad it looks like it might be winding down.... unless you guys mount your blog steeds(?) and ride into blog battle again. I want more colourful language! I want baseless rumours! Inuendos! sucker punches! prank calls! toe nails in pies! horse heads!

    Chaz said...

    I would just like to point out that now that the dust has settled on our 'war', I am the clear victor.

    Fromstein has left blogging forever, Herman has reduced his blog to complaints about me, and Ben, well, Ben writes poetry. 'Nuff said.

    Oh, and I made $15.78 yesterday off my ads! Free money!

    Now support your favourite celestial being by visiting chazinc.blogspot.com. Don't forget to click the ads!

    Absolut Silver said...

    Well I'm the only member of this 'blogging war' that hasn't commented yet. I'm Lauren, the one appearing to have no significance. I am not sleeping with any of these morons, by the way.
    Some call me Chaz's biggest fan, and Fromstein suggested that I start my own blog. Chaz also gave me the line for my blog description.

    But I really enjoyed your blog about us!!

    Absolut Silver said...

    p.s.: Herman is NOT gay!

    Herman said...

    Chaz, once again your stupidity has blinded you again.

    Why does everyone think my blog is solely (sp?) about Chaz-Bashing? I made ONE post about how your blog is bad. ONE. That hardly constitiutes a war. I mean, this started out as me writing that post at the bequest of David, and now our petty squables are known all over this blog here.

    But, to keep the masses happy, I will occasionally diverge into some Chaz hatred, just so you people can get your jollies.

    Chaz said...

    "once again your stupidity has blinded you again"? Very nice Herman.

    Bensinger333 said...

    Lauren, you're a poser member of our war. You aren't funny, you don't write poetry, and I think Lee would be very disappointed if you were a closet homosexual. So bugger off!

    Herman said...

    ...and once again my lack of proofreading has blinded me once again.

    Absolut Silver said...

    Ok Ben, I did NOT bring myself into this!!
    Believe me, i've realized that i'm not funny, but i shall continue commenting anyway because thats what i do on chaz's blog. Why should this blog be any different??

    Anonymous said...

    Fuckin blog wars... Now, that's the ticket. Of course, I'm going to have to keep my orgins secret on this post, can't have a virtual army rush my grill...

    A Cranky Old Jew said...

    This just in: Chaz fucks prepubescent sheep while they're sleeping! Blog on!

    Chaz said...

    Come on I am at least big enough to wake them up!

    Bensinger333 said...

    F*cking stop it! You guys are being such idiots! Why can't we just get along? I think it may be Dave's theory in action... I know! Let's team up against the lady who thinks Herman's a closet fag! HE'S PROUD OF WHO HE IS DAMNIT!

    Sorry Herman, but your sexuality has become a punchline for people we don't even know.

    The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

    Anonymous said...

    yes, fromstein is the funniest, but ben is pretty solid too, and you gotta love herman (SO NOT GAY ew how could you say that!) chaz im not so mad about but i dont really know the guy...while your blog was quite hilarious i dont tihnk i like you either, you were rude and condescending, you also write a fucking blog so please dont try and make yourself seem so much more mature by saying that you have "better things to do" as you quite obviously dont!

    Anonymous said...

    Your all like men cept Lauren

    Herman said...

    Man, if any of you watch the show "Drawn Together", and saw the episod last nite, this would seem a lot funnier.

    That nerdyness out of my system, we should team up against this woman. If by team up, you mean "Ignore and move on with our lives" and by "This woman" you mean "You stupid bastard"

    Anonymous said...

    i think that we can all conclude that this young lady/whore/slut/cumhungrygirl/shemale/transvestite/lesiban/cunt licker/attention whore has a good point but what i would like to know is how she found about this argument since she would have had to leave her small (just as small as her penis (nonexistent...i hope)) circle to find it, which means she spends most of her time on the computer searching for people to talk to which is just sad which brings me to the next point i found this out because i have no life but this means that you as well have no life

    P2thaSmitty said...

    LOL, Miranda, I love you!! I don't know where you found this war either, but it's priceless. Haha, ya cumhungrygirl!!

    And so everyone knows, I'm the Satanist in the whole conversation... riiight (see my blog, it just kind of happened).

    PoPo, it's kinda funny how they refer to you as woman, and not girl... must be nice to have your age put you in the class of "adult" to others that are, well, younger.

    As for the discussions at hand, I don't know if Herman is a closet homosexual, but he's hiding something... Chaz needs to lay off the crack, and Ben needs to share the women. I like the Old Cranky Jew... he needs to comment more. And Lauren, trust me girl, you just need to give it up and enjoy the ride... if you know what I mean. No one regrets it when they do it right, get it right, and get their socks knocked off! That being said, avoid Jew boys. ;)

    P2thaSmitty said...

    Actually, looking at Ben's blog, he's the gay one. I think it would be a stretch of the imagination to say he's even still in the closet.

    Milkshake said...

    OMG, Smitty, how much do you love them? Chaz and Ben are like David and Meir's fucking twins (they all go to thier old school. weird, huh?).
    Also, this whole thing is definitely not over. What's happening behind the scenes right now would blow your fucking mind. Lets just say, check your e-mail.
    OH! One more thing, Ben's definitely not the gay one (but I see what you mean now), but then again, neither is Herman. Oh wait, Herman totally is, I forgot (for some reason, even though he's clearly straight, nobody's ever supposed to let up on the gay thing? I don't quite get it but I'll play along. I mean, come on they're Canadian. I think they know what's best.) Stay tuned for even better Bloggy-Bloggy-Blog-War-Goodness. Aaron says hi, he's doing well, him and Jess found a place yesterday in the TENDERLOIN. I couldn't be more proud.

    Bensinger333 said...

    Dearest Smitty,

    I hate you. I haven't slept in over a week because of a girl. How that makes me homosexual, I don't know. If you weren't a woman, I'd hit you.

    The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

    Ed said...

    Sorry about my last comment on my blog, Miranda. I'm just not sure what you want me to do. Let me know.

    Ed said...
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
    Ed said...

    By the way, Chaz is a whore.

    And not even a clean whore, or an attractive whore.

    He is a whore with zits around the groin area and crabs nesting in damp places.

    He is a whore that targets old businessmen, but rides twelve year olds for free.

    He smells because of a cheezy discharge of lies, deceit and hubris.

    How much is your soul worth, Chaz?

    Because I think you're selling it for about $10 a day.

    Erika said...

    LOL, VERY hilarious post...I loved it!! Those ppl are so fun 2 read about...I just happened to come across this from Ben's blog and was just laughing SO hard!!

    jenn marsala said...

    I only recently discovered blogging and now my fellow bloggers are already at war?! Has someone already registered as Switzerland? If not, then I call dibs...


    Like your blog too...

    Herman said...

    well put ed, well put.

    On that note, I'm also not sure why people are still calling me gay, but whatever gets you some laughs.

    Peace and so on