The Slaughterhouse Five

WHOA. Okay, lets recap guys.

-Got insanely drunk with Counts and Big D and decided to create a new gang, complete with uniforms, matching tennis shoes, and a blog (visit TeamTenderloin.blogspot.com. Were still working out the kinks, however).
-Decided to do some research into other multi-contributor blogs. Of course, I went to Four Ninja Food Groups first. Found a comment on FNFG that seemed like it might be associated with a cool blog, and that blog my friends, was Chaz's.
-Followed some links on Chaz's blog to some of his friends' blogs. Found Fromstein, Herman, Ben and Lauren.
-Almost had to go to the emergency room due to uncontrollable laughter, especially due to Fromstein's blog. Realized that thier blogs were more than mere diaries, but were verging on an all-out World Wide Web War.
-Thought about how specifically Huntsman and my Australian fan Thao would think thier squabbles were hilarious too.
-Decided very late that night (early that morning?) to post about it. I needed something fun and light-hearted to follow the insane essay I just wrote.

I thought it was that simple. Funny. Interesting. Nostalgic. What have you. So I got up the next morning (afternoon?), dragged myself to work, came home, and checked my blog.
There were 12 comments. 12. All from Canada.

Now you can imagine my surprise, as I had never posted on any of thier blogs. As I've now pieced together, Ben Singer uses a site tracker that led him to me. He alerted all of his friends and...well, you can read the comments on the last post for yourself. I then began to realize that the Blog War was suddenly on my own soil.

So? What's a girl to do?

First, there was laughter. Then, the buds and I got into some heavy duty confrencing. I mean, I couldn't just leave things be, and I couldn't start commenting on thier blogs just to escalate it and get my jollies (I mean, they are all friends after all...). So we began to wonder, how can we ride this out? Does it have to end here?
One of my favorite catch phrases (Ben, are you listening?) is "sleep is for the dead". Most literally it refers to my hectic partying/work schedule, but it also references that I generally refuse to stop a good thing until it's entirely unfeasable. It was on the roof of my building overlooking the hills and valleys of San Francisco, that Aaron Gerkin's girlfriend Jess had a tidbit of amazing insight.
"Jen (my best freind, Aaron's big sister) is always talking about how you act like mom to your circle of friends, why don't you try and mediate them?"

Fucking genius.

And so, I sent an E-mail to The Slaughterhouse Five (as I so cleverly call them) to see what further role they might want to play on my blog. Here are some excerpts:

To all involved in Blog Wars 2005--
So now everyone on my end is asking me "what's gonna happen next?"  and I propose an answer to that question in the form of "Blog Mediation 2005".

What I would need from each of you (Ben, Fromstein, Herman, Lauren and God) is two medium-sized paragraphs describing who you think is the "clear victor" as Chaz would say.  State your peace, and why you think you're right/wrong, be sure to use colorful language dotted with the air of vindictiveness.  That would be hot.
I will post whatever you write, as long as it's hilarity is only matched by it's BREVITY.  Two paragraphs guys, TWO.  On that note, please come up with better things to call me other than "stupid bitch"--some good exaples of nicknames used recently for me are "The Moure Whore" and "Slutty-Slutty Bang-Bang".  I can't post stuff that makes you guys sound dumb.
So anyway, I'll take all of your replys and compile them into a follow up post for "Blog Eat Blog World", and I'll give you your own section in my sidebar for links to your blogs.
I hope you guys like the idea and are into it, I think it would be a fucking riot.

The replys were almost instantaneous.

From David Fromstein:
"As for the thing, I find it demeaning and offensive, but I'll do it if the other boys threaten to beat me up. They have sticks. Big sticks. But no one speaks softly anymore. It's a shame."

From Ben Singer:
"Miranda, unfortuantly, a lack of time may keep me from writing those two paragraphs, as I'm in the tail end of exam season, and I leave for Montreal 15 hours after my last exam. I'm gone for two months, and I'm a very stylish kinda guy, so packing could take a while...I'll try and get that 2 paragraph dealie done, but no promises... You may have to wait two months :-("
(This was shortly followed by an e-mail entitled: "So I lied..." which contained the first of five said two paragraphs.)

From Charles "Chaz" Firestone:
"I accept your proposition, on one and a half conditions: 1) I am quite sure that I have more readers than you do, and than all the other members of the blog war. So, my request is that you put up a real link, not one plugged in to the post. 1.5) This one isn't really concrete, but I would also appreciate it if you and your blog team clicked my ads once in a while. Heh heh. I'll send you your paragraphs, just you wait..."

From Michael Herman:
"This is Herman writing (my real name is Michael, by the by). Thank you for taking our petty squables, and letting the world know about them. :P As for my two paragraphs, I will send them in a day or two, as I am currently mirred in exams. Good idea though."

And Finally, from Lauren Silver:
"Fromstein sent me the e-mail already, but i'm in!!  I'm just still finishing up exams, so it may take another day or two for me to send you the stuff."

So who will be the victor of Blog War 2005? Well, a team of experts and I will decide that upon the receival of eight more paragraphs. Good luck to the combatants, may Chaz help us all.

Stay tuned.


Absolut Silver said...

HA. This should be interesting...

A Cranky Old Jew said...

I'd like to take this moment to announce my offical reentry into the world of blogging. You, Miranda, have the exclusive scoop.

As clever as the title "Slaughterhouse Five" is, I had to read it for school this year, and it was pretty shitty. I think we need a new name, but that's just me.

Next, I think we need a rubric for this war. Clearly, due to his strongarm tactics (I have heard 3 separate reports of him relentlessly bugging people into commenting and/or clicking his ads), Chaz has the highest comment ratio. Ben has the most varied blog in terms of content style and appeal to different groups. Herman's has a melancholy style to his writing that's surprisingly funny, and his insights on life are interesting to everybody. I, of course, am the funniest, most offensive, and clearly best looking of the bloggers, with the possible exception of our fifth comrade, Lauren. She ain't much of a blogger, but she's got a nice rack.

So, clearly, if this little contest is based on the number of comments each blog recieves, Chaz will win. If it's based on a bikini contest, Lauren will probably sweep the votes. If it's based on personality, charm, and an absurd hatred for all of God's creatures, I'm your man.

Just something for you two think about while I write my two paragraphs.

Much love,

A Cranky Old Jew said...

Also, 'Randy (can I call you 'Randy?), there's one very important thing you haaaaave to change. See how these comments just say, for instance, 6:17pm? That's really not much help in determining when the comment was posted, since these comments tend to drag on for days. So, if you please, go to Settings and change it so that it says, at the very least, the date of comment. Your readers will thank you and I might just tell you where the cameras are that I planted in your house. Here's a hint: Don't go into the kitchen naked.

Much love,

Erika said...

I can't WAIT to see how this all turns out!!

Bensinger333 said...

Sneak peak: I win.

The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for... You? Doubtful.

P2thaSmitty said...

Wait, Miranda wears clothes in the kitchen?? Not the Miranda I know... I'll give a dollar to the person who can convince her that clothes can be a good thing at times... Love ya Popo.

Lauren, Lauren.... Hey Miranda, what was the name of that 15 year old girl you slept with at the Old Pussy Palace?? It wasn't Lauren, right? Or was it Jenny? Or...? Well, the Lauren posting on this blog, beware... Miranda likes her girls young... ;Þ

~PhoenixRising said...

Raw and uncut? Fo sheezy this shit is the best thing I have going for me during the work day... nothing beats reading a few hours of blogging and pretending it matters...

Milkshake said...

Pete--It was Nikki, not Lauren, and Jenny was a totally different girl. Sometimes yes, I do wear clothes in the kitchen, but by no means if I've just showered.

Fromstein--1) The Slaughterhouse Five is far too cool to change. Sorry. 2) The basis of winning will not be determined until everyones paragraph is received, and all of the judges have had time to respond. Who the judges are will be announced sometime tomorrow. 3) You may, in fact, call me Randy, as I am quite randy by nature. 4) Why does it matter what date people comment? My first instinct is that you're the only one who cares, but because you are apparently my soulmate, I will relent. Eventually. Also--don't think you're winning just because you're my soulmate--I am only one of 15 or so judges.

Ed said...

Meh. I feel like a taco.

R. U. Serious said...

Damn, that's a lot of negotiating. I think you should have met at a strip club to hash it all out.

Damned If I Know

P2thaSmitty said...

Dude, Ed, that's not a taco in your hands!! That's a hamster!! But, you know, I hear they taste like chicken...

Chaz said...

I think it's a guinea pig.

Which I hear also taste like chicken.

Erika said...

So Miranda, am I a judge too?

Pray for Mojo said...

Miranda, what's up? Funny war you have. I wish I were as clever as those little canadian fuckers when I was their age. Anyway I started up a blog, but I'm not really sure how I feel about this whole blogging thing. It seems like there is quite a bit of work involved. I'm sure once I fuck around with it for a while I'll dig it, but for now it's a little like playing fetch with a really old dog. You can see how the concept is fun, but it's not really that fun while you're doing it. Hmmm, anyway, just wanted you to know I'm online and think that war you have going is funny as shit. $5 me love you long time. Eddy


Thaozee said...

Bring on the impassioned, heart felt bullshit!

A Cranky Old Jew said...

'Randy, in the same post that you said having the dates labelled in the comments is useless, you make reference to "tomorrow". How exactly is anyone supposed to know when tomorrow is if we don't have a date to compare it to?

In summary, may you be cast unto the pillars of hellfire and your body consumed in eternal agony for all time.
- Fromstein 21:12

Much love,

Milkshake said...

Ohhhhh...'kay. Gotcha. And that, Fromstein, is why you're my soulmate. By the way, thanks for your entry--That makes Lauren the sole hold out.
p.s.--By the way, I just want everyone to know how UNBELEIVABLY WEIRD it is to be the only one to have read these paragraphs. Weird.

Tomas said...


muffin said...

My blueberries sweat in anticipation. I love contests! Except child beauty pageants. (Those are creepy... and I almost never win.)

Count von Zinzindorf THE THIRD said...

This is count von zinzindorf, and you need to tell that stan guy that he is a looser