A New Hope

As you can probably tell from my absence, I've been agonizing over this. Really.

Here's the thing--I thought this would all be so cut and dry, you know? Like: Girl finds hilarious Canadians, girl instigates war, girl hires judges, judges decide who wins. Done and done. Hilarity ensues. Right?
Apparently not. There were several problems, loopholes, misunderstood directions, disqualifications, etc; but the one thing that remains is that a winner must (and I mean must...) be announced. So here we go.

(Ahem, ahem.)

Although I never heard from all of the judges, I did finally hear from Peter Smith, his vote being for Fromstein. That puts the tally at:


A three way tie, with my vote still to be cast. Here now is a description of why I voted the way I did, and how I came to who is ultimately the winner.

All of them had great entries, but two of them stuck out specifically, namely Ben's and Fromsteins. My favorite excerpts:

"Also, with the possible exception of Lauren, I'm the best looking, and have gotten more action than everyone else in our little group put together, multiplied by two. How do you multiply action? Who cares!"

"Of course, thank you Miranda, for being the weapons manufacturer to Chaz, Herman, and Dave's United States, Korea and Soviet Russia, not in that order, you can really mix it up. Actually, Chaz should be whichever's bigger, Dave whichever's angrier, and Herman whichever's further in the closet."

For me it was clear from the get-go that it would come down to these two, and yet I was still happily surprised upon receiving their essays as they were even funnier than I had previously anticipated they would be. Perfect. Some beautiful insights were had about these two by the judges as well.
From Mark on Fromstein:
"i didn't want to vote for him cos when miranda first told me of this whole ganaydian fiasco she said his words were a) really funny and b) reminded her of me. so right away i was biased. and there is some similarity -- cadence of words; sentence patterns -- but, f me: if i had been able to scribble like that when i was in high school then i may not be where i am now (30 years old and 6 months away from returning to college). and i love that his blow-up doll is named janine."
From Hodson on Fromstein:
I've cast my finaly vote after thinking things over. Initially I wanted to vote strictly along with the titty party, but Lauren fucked that all up by not posting anything worth reading. Chaz, well, Chaz is funny... but, you know, you ever been stuck next to "the funny guy" all night? Humor only gets you so far. Oh damn it, I give it to the Jew, with Herman in close second. That's my vote, I'm sticking to it!"
From Erika on Ben:
"Ben didn't spend his two paragraphs taking shots at the other bloggers. Ben's paragraphs were brief and to the point. Although they were such, they also made me laugh in several places. He tried to make a good thing come out of his insomnia, and although I'm not sure he did tell the special girl she was the reason for the insomnia, he succeeded in making lemonade out of lemons. Ben's blog was the first, and I think will continue for a long time to come."
and finally, From Counts on Ben:
Miranda should be the winner. Clearly, she is the one who made all this happen, she manipulated all of these people into checking out her site, and it is her who comes out as the most respected of all involved parties. Even though she wasn't part of our little multiple choice selection, I'm just gonna have to write in the answer below where I filled in "none of the above". Also, maybe it's just me, but she's clearly the hottest looking, granted I can't find a picture of Lauren, but that brings me to the best point of all, none of the contestants provided a picture; one of the clearly stated rules of Blog Wars '05, and therefore all are disqualified. If, however, my choice is outside the rules for judging, and I have to select one of the Slaughterhouse 5, I'll have to go with Ben: his reply was first, to the point, and funniest. I mean cummon, "bristling with pine cones"! Hell fuckin yeah!"

Counts is a goddamn genius by the way. He's right--you all know that, right? None of them deserve to win. They should technically all be disqualified--and there's that tricky "rules" thing again. I thought alot about this idea of "rules" and "winner" and eventually remembered something I had told Chaz:

Chaz: "I will be crowned...uh, what do you call the winner of a war? The survivor?"
Me: "Oh, my dear troubled Chaz. Victor is the word you're looking for, and I'm not talking about that guy Herman's sleeping with."

Victor. I mean, what does that really mean? It has to be the one who came out on top, right? This of course begs the question: what have we been fighting for? There is one clear winner of Blog Wars '05, one who is the funniest, has the highest reader base, and did the fucking smart thing and stayed the fuck out of the whole mess.

Thao Nguyen. Congrats, kid.

That being said, I voted for Fromstien.
All my love,


charles.bukowski.costanza said...

i think you've done the right thing here. i have properly adjudged your judgliness and the report is favorable.

now! you bestowed on me a blessing/curse the other day: let's play 7 Minutes in Heaven with r.kelly, you said. so now i return the favor with what i think is a lot like the r.kelly video only instead of r.kelly it's a hot 80s aerobics instructor -


watch the video -- they'll make you register first but it only takes a second and they don't sell your shit. it's a dance remix of steve winwood's Valerie set in an aerobics class, and it is the best love story in the history of time. by which i mean that it should be funny instead of hot, and it is funny, but also it is even more hot than it would be because it shouldn't be hot at all.

Counts said...

Wow, finally. It only took Miranda three weeks to figure out that none of the S.H.5. were the winners. Good choice on Thao, but I'm stickin to my guns on the fact that she is the clear winner.

Red. High. Low. Peace.

still_figuring_out said...

congratulations, fromstein!

charles.bukowski.costanza said...

dear Polly Amory -


the strip is just a teaser -- it's the blogs of each character, updated weekly, that is so money. phillippe is the kid with haiku fixation; i also enjoy teodor and ray a great deal. all of them, shit.

sending you pre-show goodness via the aural highway, sweets. --that's right: i am aurally pleasuring you. (Om. can you feel that? Om. Slurp. my yoni is so hard for you.)

Thaozee said...

eh? eh!? Are you mad!? You have just put the spotlight on me. Now it's gonna be like I'm married to some redneck that's gonna be prodding me all the time to be funny and/or entertaining, shouting "Why da you make ma wanna hurt you all da time boy!?" while hurling whiskey bottles at me....

Thanks for depositing into my ego account though. You made my hip thrust out in the manner of the fuck yeah!.

So the war is over. I would have voted for Ol' Frommy or Ben....and only if they were hot chicks

Anonymous said...

this is bs.

i hate u all

and im writitng this form israel

i shall b revenged

Erika said...

yup, anon needs therepy!!

Milkshake said...

Oh dear. Either Herman or Fromstein is PISSED. I think those are the only two in Israel right now, but honestly, I don't know.

On a brighter note, my internet popularityhas now turned into REAL LIFE popularity. A week ago, I was a drunken tombay with a slutty streak, and now I'm a quite popular SF Wordsmith. All Y'all in SF can now catch me three nights a week (soon to be four): Tuesday's @ Club Six, sixth and Market and Wednesdays and Fridays at G Bar, California and Presidio.

I rock and roll.

~PhoenixRising said...

which leaves me thinking you're creating ample reason to head to SF for a week...
Maybe I'll do that instead of Burning Man plans... Maybe not. I'll have to, as the kids say, "marinate on it".

Expect a DD later tonight. We started hitting the sizzzzurp after work, and the night is so young. So very VERY young.


Bensinger333 said...

Congradualtions Davey!

Bensinger333 said...

Shit. No d in congrats....

Anonymous said...

it was me. y would davey b pissed that he won. again, no time to write, but bullshit nonetheless