Ghetto Fabulous

Recently, Violet was sitting on the terrace talking on the phone with a friend of hers back in Phoenix, and I had a sudden realization while listening to this one sided conversation that went something like this:

"Omigod! San Francisco is so beautiful! You have to come here, I swear to god! You'd love it! We have so much fun and our house is so cool and we just party and stuff and we live in Lower Haight and it's so awesome! Omigod! Haight @ Fillmore! YES!!!"

The realization was basically that it's actually nothing like this. Here is a list of stuff that we all tend to leave out when relating SF tales to all the folks back home.

1. The aforementioned "terrace" is actually a fire escape with a cheap plastic lawn chair and an old mop on it.
2. Three days ago, I found a dead mouse in my bathroom.
3. There are 18 empty beer cans in my room currently.
4. I have 13 parking tickets, Sarah has 11, and Peter and Violet's cars are both impounded.
5. While Violet has a sublet for next month, Sarah and I are homeless as of the first.
6. All the local drugdealers not only know my full name, but also where I live and have been known to yell up at my window asking for refuge when they hear gunshots.
7. There's beer on my laptop.
8. I have no time/privacy to write, as none of us in this apartment have our own room.
9. I should also mention that none of us living here at 525 actually live here. We're all subletting. Bryan came home yesterday, and Sam gets back in three days, but we officially have it until the first.
10. I have no idea how many people have had sex in my bed.

But most of the time, you guys call us or we call you and we paint this beautiful picture of our perfect, perfect fulfilling lives. So from now on, as things continue to get worse, this is what you'll hear from us:

"Omigod! It's so beautiful!! You have to come here! Lower Haight is so awesome! Dude, the streets are paved in marshmellows and instead of driving cars, we ride unicorns! Omigod, they're so pretty! And everyday the lollypop fairy comes and throws candy in our windows! It's so awesome! Omigod, wait--hold on, there's some one at the door...Omigod it's Santa Claus! Cool! Omigod he brought a box of magic kittens and the new Harry Potter book! Awesome! Yeah, dude--kittens are magic here. California's so awesome! Okay dude, I gotta go run some errands so I gotta go, but I miss you! I'm doing soooo well here, I promise; I make like a million dollars a day and my rent is free. Yeah! FREE! I know right? It's hella cool. Wait hold on, I gotta ask my roomate something. Hey Milkshake? MILKSHAKE!! WHERE'D YOU PARK THE UNICORN?"


~PhoenixRising said...

Unicorns and marshmellow streets? Now that's what I'm talking about!

I used to look around at my apartment and feel icky, as it is one of those smaller ghetto spots with no room and two smelly cats. The remedy? I stopped looking around my apartment :)

But for reals: Sorry I totally bombed on giving you a ring... I was, like, seriously getting run up on by some cops. When the cops ask, ever so kindly, for the bottle in your hand, do not take to flight. They will catch you. And laugh.

You're beautiful hun. Keep loving.


Thaozee said...

The magic kittens wielding harry potter books sounds horrifying. Although the mention of unicorns has rekindled my deep rooted desire to ride mythical creatures. I shit you not.