I am both a jelly doughnut and very, very pissed off. [worth the read--will make your day, promise]

I am so pissed off.

The reasons are two fold.

1) Talked to Anderson Yesterday. He was all like "how've you been?" and I was like "Not good. Kinda rough--my best friend has a cyst and she's scared and I'm scared and all I want in the world is to be with her and I don't know if I can" to which he replies "Oh. Well remember that conference I was going to? Well, it went REALLY well and I did REALLY good and I'm so goddamned happy..." etc. What the hell? No, wait. WHAT THE HELL? Not even as much as an "I'm sorry" or even an "oh that sucks". Nothing. What a fucking asshole. I hung up on him. NOBODY IGNORES MY FUCKING WIFE. NOBODY.

2) Ordered some take out from an Italian place down the street from my house yesterday too. When it finally came 10 min. late, the driver was at the wrong apartment. He called, I offered to meet him outside. He was nowhere. I call him, and he starts screaming at me asking me where I am. What the hell? Where do you think I am? I'm waiting for my goddamned take out. The short version is, he finally showed up, called me rude, to which I retorted that he was retarded if he believed that. Then he got mad that I called him an idiot. I was all like "I didn't call you an idiot, I called you retarded." Whatever. I paid him, and shut the door.
I got my food inside, and again...WHAT THE HELL? Everything was wet. I mean SOAKING WET. By this I mean that I could pick up a piece of garlic bread and something is dripping off of it. So, I call the place. After three tries, someone finally answers. So I'm like "Dude, I can't eat this, what is all over this food?" and the guy starts screaming something in Arabic or something. Whatever. They wont fix my order or give me a refund but instead told me that "I'm being too picky" and "Why don't you just cook for yourself?" WHAT THE HELL?

The only option I had left was to get my revenge.
Anderson...whatever. He's already suffering. I don't need to do anything on that front. But Ramiro's Pizza...

Now I ask all of you: Who doesn't want an 800sf studio in the Castro for $695? Jesus! That's a steal! I mean, if you saw that on Craigs list and lived in SF, you're fucking head would explode. You would see this posting and be all like "Omigod!! That sounds amazing! 800sf? Hardwood floors? 1914 Edwardian? OMIGOD!! $695? Even I can afford that! Oh cool, there's some contact info...okay...got it...contact Ramiro @ 415.885.3334 or 415.756.4118. I'm gonna call right now!!! Oh wait, what's this: WHAT THE HELL!! NO BLACKS OR GAYS PLEASE? WHAT THE HELL!! I'M GONNA CALL THIS GUY RIGHT NOW AND CALL HIM A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Ramiro's Pizza can officially lick my fucking balls. Half the fucking city is going to be calling them outraged in the next 7 days.

[p.s.--please don't ever piss me off. Tee-hee. Also, feel free to use your free nights and weekends to call these guys and tell them you hate them. Go ahead, it's fun. Order three pizzas to a fake address, just whatever you do, don't ever, EVER eat there.]


charles.bukowski.costanza said...

darling, you: i would love to join forces with you. over and over and again. scribbledy scratchedy rah wah wah.

Milkshake said...

Mwuhahahahaha!!! How perfect would that be? we'd be like the Hardy Boys, but bad. Real bad.

~PhoenixRising said...

That is so evil. Genius, yes, and evil.
I'm so going to gank this once I find some-one worth while to do this to.

Oh lord, it'll be good.

You're almost older and ish.

Yay for birthdays. or birrrrfdays. Whichever suits you best.

My internet at home is down. I'm livid about the whole thing. Damn Time Warner.

I'm gonna go eat a pizza or something.