I haven't celebrated Christmas in many years, but am always so intrigued by the idea of a wishlist; specifically to Santa. Asking Santa for stuff is better than asking real people because just like some sort of Miracle on 34th street...uh...miracle, the impossible might be possible. You want a dad and a house with a white picket fence? Ask Santa. You want Kajagoogoo to get back together? Dude, ask Santa.
Really, you should try it. It's like praying for stuff except more likely to come to fruition.

Dear Santa,

After much thought, this is what I would like to have come December 25th. Please note: I don't have a chimney or cookies and I'm alergic to milk, but help yourself to any beer left in the fridge or my ciggarettes, if that's your poison. The Maker's is in the kitchen and I have many unwashed thongs lying around if you're still looking for a last minute gift for a middle-aged middle-american white male.
Help yourself.

1. Season seven of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD.
2. A pack of Diana Rossa's from Italy.
3. A lighter that never gets stolen or runs out of fluid.
4. An Everlasting Gobstopper.
5. A pony. A white one with neon green mane and tail.
6. A subscription to Wallpaper and Ready-Made magazines.
7. My old cellphone.
8. My family in one room all at the same time for four hours (there are seven of us: Me, Peter, Peter, Sam, Jen, Eddie and Carrie. I would also like Ian, Alicia and Lyndsey Ann to be there if it's not too much trouble.)
9. Sarah to come home.
10. A home. A real one. This includes a city that I can really call home.
11. A remote control car. A pink one.
12. An airline.
13. Satisfaction.
14. Dinner with Sam, Kim Cattrall, and Cynthia Nixon. Excellent.
15. Fame.
16. Mind reading abilities that I could turn on and off and use over great distances. And to be able to fly andbe invisible and all at the same time if I want to (Like, so I could fly around all invisible and stuff while reading peoples minds naked. Note that it wouldn't matter if I was naked, 'cause I'd be invisible. I could also be masturbating at the same time and you'd never know, but I'd totally know what you're thinking. Solid.).
17. For all the children in the world to hold hands in song. No, wait! What I meant was alot of money. I mean alot. Like way more than god has.
18. Lots of talent, beauty and drive. In no particular order.
19. A pair of solid kelly slip-on canvas Vans, in men's 8. I'll do the monogrammming myself.
20. A Genie, in case I forgot anyhting.

So, thanks alot Santa. I hope you can come up with some of this stuff this year, 'cause I could really use it. Especially the airline. Oh, and whatever that elf said about me was totally untrue.
All my love,


Thaozee said...

5. A pony. A white one with neon green mane and tail.

Why stop there? A unicorn pony would be the shit. And awesome 70's sideburns.

~PhoenixRising said...

Dude. I'm totally gonna scour out your cellphone. Like. Totally.
I'll start with all the random warehouses in San Fransisco and work outwards from there until, at long last, it is found.

Unless it's just dead. In which case your christmas gift is denied. Promptly.


charles.bukowski.costanza said...

has sam heard that song? she would rejoice, no doubt, to have it only say VAGINA a disappointing one time.

speaking of disappointing: i did not make your wishlist this year, boo.

the song rocks. it rocks, i love it.

Milkshake said...

Did you just say 'boo'? Man, You've been hanging around me too much.
p.s.--I am now changing #5 to a unicorn. Mostly 'cause, hey, why not?

Counts said...

Who you callin an elf? I know Big D is short, but that's just un-called for.