1.15.2006

The New Year is Two Parted

First, let’s recap:
“Here I have no words. I can never find any that seem quite right, seem as perfect. and caught in my throat, I let the ones I'd like to say mingle with those I never could and none of them come; I relent to listening to his halted breath, feel his hands grip me and wonder what it means and always fail to ask.”

So I did. I asked, I told, I screamed, what have you and without all of these let there be light connotations, It was good. Sort of.
And so I bring to you all:
The Amazing Actual Break-Up: Part Two

”Wait. Stop. Stop stop stop. Right Now.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this. I thought I could do this, but I can’t. This doesn’t look like it should look like in my head and I can’t do this to myself.”

“Wait, what…oh my god, don’t cry. What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry. I think I’ve misled you. I should go.”

“What? You can’t leave! You can’t just leave! What time is it? Miranda….Miranda come on. Look at me. I’m not like that. I really like you, just give me…”

“Let go of me. Please, please don’t do this to me. You haven’t done anything wrong, I’m sorry, I just…”

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking? What do you want right now? Anything…anything you want.”


And now, Good on Paper: Part Two
What do I want? Hmmm.
I want Samantha to be healthy, I want her to be happy with Ian. I want Jen to find what she’s looking for. I want Counts to be everything he’s ever wanted, and Smith to find happiness with Lindsey Ann. I want Kyle and Violet to make amends for what they have done to my family. I want Sally to go to grad school and Sarah to recover and move on and not let anyone discredit what we’ve built together. I want Mindy to let go of all of her tears for all of the men that have hurt her, I want her to believe that all of those bruises are not her fault. I want Sean and Clifford to move past me without excluding me. I want my niece to stop starving herself to be thin and I don’t want her to fall down that same path I did at thirteen. I want her to know how beautiful she is, I want all of them to know how beautiful they are.
But above all of that I want it back—I want all of that fierceness I once had to believe that I could fix it, that I can help, that I can answer at least some of their questions. I want everything for them, and I want the will and the strength to make it right. I want to find it again, want to feel like nothing is impossible. I want everything that fell apart to stop paralyzing me, to stop building these never ending staircases in front of everything I can still see.

“I…I just want to lay down. Right here. Just for a little while.”

Right then I wanted to pretend. Just for a little while longer.

Sarah got back today, and all of that is over because it has to be. We will build back everything we had but better, piece by piece, until all of you and everyone will know us for what we have done. For what I have gotten back.

That being said, I also give you: Because Sometimes Apologies are Needed: Part Two

Forgive me Quinn. I am sorry.
--M

2 comments:

charles.bukowski.costanza said...

i love getting to read three sequels in one entry. feels like i have accomplished something.

and so have you, my dear...mark.

Sam said...

Remember one day in a basement when we built a wall and painted it pink? That thing kept falling over and we kept reinforcing it and wedging it between the painted-concrete floor and the exposed floorboard ceiling, nailing and stapling until it stayed.

Remember weeks afterwards when our lives began to fall apart in some ways, and we'd sit in our respective places at the Duck and toast to 'we fixed the wall'?

Well, we fixed the wall, and I'll always drink to that. Keep on keeping on, sister, and I'll be down there soon to immerse/insert myself into your world for a while. I love you.