525,600 minutes: For Davey on my blogoversary


Miranda: "Okay, so...hold on. Let me get this."

Samantha: "Get what?"

M: "The fucking instructions."

S: "How hard can this fucking be? C'mon, I mean, put it on, pull it off. Done."

M: "Dude. It can't be that easy. Just..."

S: "Just do it."

M: "No dude. Just let me read the goddamn directions. Kay, first you have to remove the oil from the area."

S: "What? What does that even mean?"

M: "That means you have to take this fucking cotton ball, put some alcohol on it and clean the surface first. Trust me, you wanna get this right the first time. It's gonna hurt."

S: "It doesn't hurt."

M: "Are you kidding me? How can it not hurt? You're pulling several hairs at a time out of your skin. That sounds like something that hurts."

S: "You know what I mean. I mean, it only hurts like a tattoo or something; like, you can handle it. Plus there's like magic fucking rainforest crap in this stuff that makes it hurt less than that other shit you get at Bartell's."

M: "Fine. Ready?"

S: "Yeah."

M: Okay. So...now use the applicator to spread an even thin layer of the product in the direction of hair growth."

S: "You're right. This is hella hard."

M: "You know what? Just shut the fuck up and take this fucking tounge depressor."

S: "Damn. Okay, okay. Chill. How much do you put on?"

M: "Well, it says 'an even thin layer', so I'm guessing that's how much you put on."

S: "You know what? You're being a fucking bitch. I'm just saying that something like that can be interpreted many ways, okay? I'm just wondering..."

M: "Fine, whatever, Just do it, and then take this piece of linen."

S: "Kay. Got it."

M: "Dude hold this for a sec."

S: "Hold on, I gotta pull this off."

M: "Wait! No! We'll do it together, I can't do this by myself!"

S: "Damn, okay. Just...wait...okay. Got it. Just put your strip on. You have to press it firmly."

M: "Oh really? How 'firm' should I be with it?"

S: "Shut the fuck up and take the directions back."

M: "Fine. Ready?

S: "Wait...'kay. Ready."

M: "Allright, on three. One, two..."

*The sounds of two women screaming in unbeleivable pain echo through the tiny bathroom. They are both shaking thier fists and screeching, hairy pieces of wax covered linen dangling from thier clenched fingers.*

M: "Oh my fucking god."

S: "Yeah, I can't do that to myself again."

M: "Well, what are we fucking going to do? We have to finish now! It's gonna be all lopsided."

S: "Well, it won't be that bad. We can just shave the rest, right?"

M: No. We can't just shave the rest, it's gonna look weird.

S: "Well, I'm not fucking doing that again."

M: "Okay, wait. Wait, wait. What if I do you, and you do me? We'll trade off. And just do it quick. Like a band-aid."

S: "That is one sadistic fucking band-aid."

M: "C'mon, what else are we gonna do? We're meeting all those kids at the bar in an hour and a half, and we've just started grooming. We gotta do this, c'mon."

S: "Fine. But I'm just putting this out there that I would only do this for you. And that I'm doing you first."

M: "Fine. Whatever. Let's just get this done."

S: "Fine. But I'm totally not doing my legs after this."

[Davey, I think I know what love is now. --M]


charles.bukowski.costanza said...

that's donkulous. and yet i love it: you make me all lopsided.

Milkshake said...

"I make many men lopsided."

Queer Comandeer said...

This is amazing. It's almost as good as that one interview where YOU made Barbara Walters cry.

Queer Comandeer said...

Whoops. I totally meant that for the last post. This one is amazing too, though, and making me reconsider waxing my shoulders.

~PhoenixRising said...

You do know that after talking to you last I got arrested and sat in jail for the whole weekend? Shit sucked.