3.27.2006

Sexual History Barbeque

Let me explain to you all the idea of the Sexual History Barbeque coined by Sam, Jen and I over a year ago:

1. You get together with your girlfriends, lists in hand, and each pick ten people you slept with that you can still stand being around.
2. You invite them all to a barbeque.
3. You watch hilarity ensue.
4. You somehow use this experience to 'grow as a person' or something.

Now, we never actually did this, but there was the night of my going away party at the Duck whan there were in attendance, 12 people I had slept with. Jen still laughs about that.

Anyway, I'm finally starting to get to my point.
Wait, hold on, let me tell this other story first.

So one of the people at my going away party was Theodore. Now, one time, in the long long ago, I was at the duck with Sam and Gavin and Ben Greedy and etc. and as Ben and Gavin were leaving, Sam said something to the effect of "Miranda's husband in San Francisco". Ben was like, "What? Omigod, what? Oh fuck, Ted's gonna be pissed." And I was like "Who the fuck is Ted?" and he was like "That guy you kissed here last week". Oops. I still don't remember that happening. Anyway, like a month later I'm at the Cha Cha with the Carnies and I see this rediculously hot guy sitting at the bar. So I sit next to him, order a whiskey diet, and yada yada yada, we end up in his bedroom. So were sitting there and he's like "I really like you're tatoos" and I'm like "Thanks" and he's like "Omigod, I know this girl that my bandmate has a huge crush on that has the exact same Soul Coughing tattoo you have. Isn't that weird?" and I was like, "That's not weird, that's Samantha, my best friend" and he was like "Oh my god...YOU'RE THAT MIRANDA?"

Yup. That's me. And that was Ted Greedie of the Greedie$. The point of this story is that not only had we made out a month previous and not realized it, but that the city was getting so small that we could be running into people we had slept with even in the darkest most scenestery parts of Capital Hill.

The point is...wait. Hold on. Let me tell this story too.

Speaking of Ted Greedie, The San Franciscans never believe me about my history of having a penchant for musicians, because I have supposedly sworn them off. In SF, I have only relapsed twice--Sean and Zane. That's pretty good for an entire year. Let's recap on my illustrious past from Seattle:
Out of the 16 musicians I have slept with, 12 were in bands, 4 singer songwriters. Of the 12, 3 were lead singers, 5 were drummers, 2 were guitarists (no vocals), 1 bassist and 1 sound guy. Two of these were in the same band. Oops.

Anyway. The point. um...wait. Hold on, one more.

I was hanging out with my little brother and Jess the other night and Anderson came to meet us. Aaron was like "Damn Miranda, I don't know how you do that. You hang out with your exes all the time. How do you do that? Why do you do that?" Yeah, I don't know. I just do. It's easy, you know? It's like--okay, we went out or we had sex. That part is probably over for whatever reason, but whatever. Let's drink beer, and get wasted, and I can do things like pick my nose and change in front of you 'cause I mean...we've done it. Also, in the abscence of Ed, Meir and Peter Smith, I am allowed to hold your hand in public, let you buy me drinks, and hug you whenever I feel that neccesary. I can also tell you when you need a hair cut, and what jeans to wear. Those are the rules. I need boys like that.

Okay. Really. The point is...

Fuck. The point is that Jen is coming to help me sort this whole thing out.
Nine days and counting.
--M

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