"We can rebuild him; we have the technology."

"You hang out with that girl Karen Kelly?"
"But she does it."
"Does what?"
"She fornicates it."
--Freaks and Geeks

First, Lets Recap:

Nick said...

I found your wallet. And you owe Counts $5, because I totally made a pass on you. You just didn't catch it.

March 26, 2006 9:42 PM

~PhoenixRising said...


March 27, 2006 8:25 AM

Now before blogs, again in the long long ago, we had not comments but quotes. Enter me and Sam's old quote log: this is just a notebook I have that we wrote down all the funny stuff people said at our old apartment. You see, although some context is given, they're almost funnier when taken out of context, much like Gary Bojangles, another (not my own) delightful list of quotes from some biology students at Shorewood High several years ago. Also, check out the Eat This Massive Lexicon Archives if this kind of thing makes you giggle. Oh, I miss my old gang. Anyway, enjoy.

"We put penises in our mouths—why are we supposed to be worried about using other people's toothbrushes?" --Miranda to Sam

"The 'H' stands for hard." --Sam to Miranda in ref. to Jon "Flaccid Pants" Sparks.

"Googleability." --Jen to Miranda in ref. to sleeping with famous people.
Also note: "He's totally googleable" and "keywords".

"Righteous toe!" --Miranda in ref. to RateMyCamelToe.com

"I thought he was gay, but then he was all 'I'm not gay' and I was like: 'What?!?! I thought you were GAY' but I guess he's not gay!" --Sam after making out with Cabbie Mike for a doughnut.

"Dude, you gonna go lace a phat Cornut?" --Gavin talking about god knows what.

"Based on what? Huh? Based on what?" --Some Lesbian to some guy at the Duck that we turned into a drinking game called 'based on what'.

"Did I take care of it? What? There is no pill that will make Eric not freak out!" --Miranda in ref. to The Puker a.k.a. Freak Out.

"A Cornut is gonna be a Cornut. It's not going to be a pussy." --Miranda in ref. to the Cornut or Pussy game. Also note: "NO. That is not how it fucking works. By that definition, a bag of fucking Cornuts is a fucking pussy" --Miranda in ref to Gavin saying that anything with a hole in it is deemed a pussy.

"Maybe if he hadn't flipped out so bad, he could have learned something." --Sam to Miranda in ref. to #32. Also note: "Well, Freak Out is already taken." Sam in ref. to picking a nickname for #32, which we never did.

"At least then you'll know that's it's not your bed that's cursed, just your vagina." --Sam to Miranda in ref. to visiting Miami.

"You're like a straight man's casual sex trial size sample." --Sam to Miranda in ref. to then recent conquests.

"Your mom tastes like a hotdog, Neckface!" --Crystal during our Neckface phase.

"Yeah, but it's not time to get up in Spanish." --RCU to Miranda half asleep trying to rationalize why he could hit the snooze button one more time. Also note: "It's very confusing, isn't it? You see Miranda, you and I have to move to a different time zone. The Spaniards are of no use to us here. Maybe we should try Hawaii."

"Miranda Gillanders! Hahahahahaha!" --Sam to Miranda in ref. to Miranda taking her ex's last name.

"80's Pirate is the best sex game ever!" --Sam to Miranda in ref. to her discarded accessories and clothing all over the apartment.

"No Road Cone Man! Get your arm off Window Man! He's got a girlfriend!" --Miranda about looking at pictures of Ian and Bike Josh on the internet.

"What? The Chi-Mo staircase?" --Davey in ref. to the Chi-Mo staircase down the street, and the game that is much like 'Cornut or Pussy' but is called 'Chi-Mo staircase or Chi-Mo Robot'.

"Hottie McHotpants is definitely a potential Freak Out." --Jen to Miranda in ref. to whether she should pursue some guy.

"So I'm thinking like, yes you do know him, I was just looking at pictures of you guys together on the internet." --Miranda to Sam about Bike Josh and Ian two weeks later when Josh said he didn't know Ian.

"Caution! Falling magnets!" --Sam to Miranda about the refrigerator.

"I just hurt myself with my gun." --Sam to Miranda about amazingly enough, exactly that.

"Chin Irish or Pube Irish." --Miranda in ref. to yet another variation on the Cornut or Pussy game.

"I mean, that's cool that his name is Rex, but it should be short for something…like Disrexia." --Sam to Miranda in ref. to Rex Thomas.

"Boo-Ya! Let's go to the Library!" --Miranda in ref. to breaking the ashtray on the deck and sleeping with Woody.

and finally…

"Wait…what do we call it again when we don't wear pants?" --Miranda to Sam in ref. to the game 'Pants Rebellion'.

So there you go. By writing all this stuff down, you are, if you are like me and keep all of your old notebooks, forced to remember it for ever and ever. Even if some guy puked off of your deck after you had sex with him, or some other guy gave you scabies. Even if Mark is nonsensical and talking in his sleep. Even if it means admitting that apparently, you and your girlfriends think about things differently than everyone else in the world.

Eight days and counting. I can't wait till my Wife gets here. I'll even move my laptop to my desk so we can have a sleepover. Fuck—that means I have to clean my desk. Miranda is a messy wordsmith.
The matter of the $5 is still in debate, however. The result is infringing upon the meaning of "pass", what "it" is, and if so, who's pass that was to offer, because if that's a pass, then I still win, because that one was mine. The point is, I am, for the first time in a long time, adding to the quote log:
"That's not a pass! It only counts if made with the intention of deal sealing!" --Miranda to Counts in ref. to getting her goddamn $5.
This also serves as a prelude to a forthcoming post. May Cake help us all.


charles.bukowski.costanza said...

hurrah for cataloguing the pants rebellion. dig.

but have you gone and started obsessing about reverse flatulation again?

Milkshake said...

The "back and forth", yes. ))<>((.