Back in Black

Thanks for meeting me again. It’s been quite some time.
It hasn’t been that long. We spoke last February. February 21st.

Right…yes, I have that in my notes here. You seem different.
My hair is straight.

No, I mean, you seem different. You seem more smiley.
Yeah, I s’pose I am. Smilier. Shinier. Awesomer.

Smilier is not a word. I thought you were quite proficient in things of this sort. In our February conversation you said…let me see…”
I said “my only real talent lies in my proclivity for growth and knowledge of English words.” That being said, smilier is a word. I just said it. Just now, I was all: “smilier”. But I can’t spell. At all.

Ah, yes. Your memory. I remember now.
I remember always. Well, not always. Like one time, a long time ago, I slept with a friend of mine. Twice. I never told him that I was so wasted that I have virtually no recollection of it whatsoever.

Do you still see him?
Of course I do. All the time.

Are you still sleeping with him? Plan to?
Of course not. I wouldn’t touch that now that I live here. I was on vacation at the time. It’s weird, yeah? Now he lives a few blocks from me. Weird, huh?

Sure. I can see how it might be odd. Last time we spoke, you said there was a boy on the horizon. Any news?
No. No news. I’m better, yes. Much better. But I’m not quite there, you know? This one…I mean this one would warrant at least an essay or two. Maybe a short story on top of it all. He would definitely warrant a lot of my time. Thoughts. What have you. I’m not there yet. Maybe I’ll do something about it next month.

It seems like it’s been an awfully long time for you to be waiting to make a move. Have you thought about timing? That it may be limited?
Ahh, yes. The window. I’ve missed that window so many times. I’m not too worried about it, though.

Not too worried? You must be keeping yourself occupied in the meantime.
Occupied. Yes, that’s probably a good word for it. I’ve been ‘occupied’. Ha ha.

A lot?
Yes. I’ve been writing a lot.

So then it’s not a stretch for me to assume you’ve been ‘occupied’ a lot as well.
That would be a safe assumption. It usually is with me. Although it’s strange, I haven’t written about any of them. The ‘occupiers’ if you will.

Occupiers is not a word.
Actually, that one really is.

Right. So why the radio silence on the recent conquests? Will we ever get to hear your take on them?
Yeah, that’s just the thing, you already have. I haven’t written a word about them because I already have.

So you’re saying that you have been…occupied with them on previous dates.
Oh, no. I don’t date. Not really. I mean, not to get all tied up in semantics, but we gotta call it something else.

No, I meant times. Before now.
Right. I knew that. Oh! Like days. On a calendar.

Right. So you’re saying they’re not new partners.
Yes. I mean, that too—but even the new ones, you know? It’s like, okay. This is my neighborhood bar, and these are all the pretty boys in it and all of us are all here every night. Yeah, been there, done that. In every city, right? So all of these boys are the same. They’re just like the aging punks and bad musicians that hang out at my bar in Seattle or Miami. But it’s too easy, it’s hard to draw the line. I mean, I hang out there ‘cause it has a great jukebox, $2 Oly’s, and there’s never a line for the bathroom ‘cause I’m the only chick there. This has other perks than just not waiting for the bathroom. It’s just too easy.

Maybe you’re too easy.
Yes. You’d be surprised how hard it is to be this easy.

The dilemma makes it hard? Of where to draw the line?
No. Straightening my hair makes it hard. It takes like…at least half an hour.

And…right. I’ll admit, you’ve completely lost me.
Oh, yeah. It’s so much easier that way, you know? Makes the walk of shame a lot less shameful. I mean, I know I can spot curly sex hair from at least a block away. But straight? Way harder. That way I can go to the coffee shop before going upstairs and changing and the guy who owns it won’t notice. Won’t think I’m just getting home. Well, depending on what I’m wearing.

Is that why you wear sunglasses at night and tennis shoes out on Saturdays?
Ha ha. Yes. Just in case. Fridays especially. Oft on Fridays I’ll carry a toothbrush, extra condoms, and a clean t-shirt.

So you sound pretty much back to normal. Strange considering it was just about a month ago the last time you said you were never having sex again.
Yeah, I never mean that. Duh. Like when I’m all like “No really—no musicians, no exceptions.” That one never works out either, although I’ve done fairly well. Most recently I’ve sworn off re-running. That probably won’t happen.

Yeah, sleeping with people you’ve done before. You know, I think it would keep everything more…kosher. Simpler.

So you’re admitting sex can be complicated?
It’s complicated. I’m easy.

So the ‘no re-running’ thing. Do you see this actually panning out?

That’s awfully succinct.
Yes. It’s the hair. The hair.

Right. You have an extensive grooming regimen. I believe you wrote about this in a piece called “The Curse of Great Beauty”.
No, I had an extensive grooming regimen. Although, I will admit that I’m back up to 14 products and 9 pieces of hardware. Of course, that includes my toothbrush but…Oh goddamnit! That reminds me, I need to go buy a new hairdryer.

Huh. Well, Ces’t la vie.
What is it with you? I still don’t speak French.

No comments: