Mr. Becker's Class

Recently, I got a comment on my blog from my best friend from middle school and hardcore Wordsmith, Meg Van Huygen.
Now a lot of you know of my penchant of keeping ridiculous archives and keeping al of my old notebooks and the like...well, two of those said notebooks are from 1993, and deal with Megan and I's tumultuous journey through eighth grade and our mutual obsession with the band Pearl Jam. Seriously though, I'd say 10%-15% of the entries are about Pearl Jam.

On a side note, for my thirteenth birthday I had a costume party, and Megan came dressed as Beavis and gave me a copy of Five Against One (Vs.) on tape. I still have it.

That little story is so indicative of middle school that it boggles the mind. Huh.

Anyway, here is an excerpt from my Reading Dialogue Journal from eighth grade. Enjoy. I know at least I will.

Dear Megan,
So I was just on the counter reading the bible, and I had a revelation. Huh-huh, I said revelation.
I think Mary was a whore, and Joseph was her pimp and one day, she forgot to use protection and got pregnant. Then, on a myrrh acid trip, she came up with this whole "God put a seed in me" crap. Then she told her sister, and since her sister was a big fat druggie loudmouth, everyone found out, so she had to roll with the God story. Then Joseph and Mary went off to a manger to give birth to her kid 'cause they knew the three horny men would come by there with gifts as late payment for Mary's services. By the time the labor was over, Mary was too tired for the three horny men, so they gave the gifts to Jesus 'cause they had heard that rumor that he was the son of God. Then, they just kept him all hopped up on Myrrh goofballs until he was 32 and he never knew the difference. He went to India to learn all these magic tricks and stuff like walking on water and pretending he was dead, and when they nailed him to the cross, he didn't even feel any pain 'cause he was so fucking high. Then, someone caught some of his blood in a cup and George Lucas made Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Then, when he came out of the coffin alive, he was hella high and could do anything.
The end.

to which she replied,

Hey MyRanda,
The bible is boring, that's why I hate it. Maybe if it sounded more like that, I'd read it, but it doesn't. I'm reading "Anne of the Island" the third in the series. It's not as cool as the others because Anne is grown up and pretty boring.
Do you know what bites? That sub wont let me drink my YO-YOGI BERRY CAPRI SUN! And it BITES. I want to go to an art museum now. A big one--with all the works of my troubled Dutch genius ancestors. That would be cool.
Love, --Kumquat

Also included are six pages of Haiku's, of which these two are my favorite.
Bad Mr. Pounder,
he said 'butt' in class today,
Mr. Becker swore.
And I ask myself,
do I want to pierce my nose?
Yeah, I do. Huh huh.

Most entries are signed "W/B N.T.P." which has something to do with a boy, but I'm not quite sure what anymore. On the back cover, my other friend Rosanne Ritch wrote "RR+CB" after which I wrote (in green) "Rosanne Bitch" in big block letters. That bitch tried to steal my man, bitch.
There are three entries written entirely within the outline of a Chili Pepper's asterisk, ten or so that have drawings of various Pearl Jam logo's and one page that just says "THIS IS RAD" written over and over with my left hand.

Ah, youth is beautiful.

[p.s.--Meg was friends with this other girl named Lillian Hawkins, and one time she was over at Meg's house and the called me and said I should three-way (when you're a kid, this refers to the telephone) Willie Braden and tell him I like him while they listened. They promised they wouldn't say anything, but half way through when I wasn't being particularly loquacious and repeating the line "well, I mean..." over and over, Lillian took her phone off mute and said "what the hell do you mean?" The point of that story is that I was hella pissed, and Meg used to have a phone where every number was a key on a little tiny grand piano. I bet you she still has it.]


Queer Comandeer said...

Jesus was a cocksucking fag from Galilee
Jesus was just like me
Jesus was just like me
A homosexual nymphomaniac
homosexual nymphomaniac
A homosexual nymphomaniac
homosexual nymphomaniac
Walking the streets of Galilee

-'Confessions' by The Soft Pink Truth

Anonymous said...

oh, my lord. i plotzed.

i think i still have a bunch of notes that we passed back and forth. i wonder if my lifebook is still around.