What I Did On My Summer Vacation and Why Augusten Burroughs Is Dead To Me by: Milkshake Moure

Heralded writer Augusten Burroghs, is so dead to me. Why you ask? Am I jealous of his talent? His fame? His buckets of cash? No. You see, it goes much deeper than that.
Apparently, as I saw on the Today Show this morning, he has a new book out called I Am Unworthy of My Fame and Not Near As Cool As Milkshake (okay, it’s not called that) and he’s embarking on a media tour to promote it, hence the interview with Ann Curry. Now, we are all jealous of James Frye who had the brilliant idea to make a bunch of stuff up, say it was true, and take his big fat checks straight to the bank. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, this only works once, or rather, only works once if Oprah gets her way, which she will because she’s like God, Jesus and the Fonz all rolled into one.
The point is, now every “memoirist” in the world is under constant scrutiny—interviews are always centered on the question ‘what exactly is true and not true in this work?’
Now as you may know, I have a carefully crafted response to this question should I ever be lucky enough to have someone ask it of me on the Today Show or otherwise. Unfortunately, Augusten Burroughs stole it from me on the Today Show this morning. Now, I’m very flattered, yes, because clearly that means he’s reading my blog, because no one but me is clever enough to come up with it themselves, duh. I mean, come on, I’m Milkshake Moure for chrissakes! I mean, I understand why he may want to steal my line, but to actually take it, dude, that’s just low.
What was it he said this morning in response to Ann Curry’s predictable line of questioning?

“I’m a writer, not a stenographer.”

Then for the rest of my summer vacation I went swimming and rode my bike and Julie’s friend Lisa’s friend Cathy got a Nintendo that we played a lot and also we drank Kool-Aid. Then Mary didn’t let Augusten Burroughs come to her birthday party because he is smelly but I went and I gave her a t-shirt and we ate cake.
The end.


[p.s.—I’ll get you Augusten Burroughs!]


~PhoenixRising said...

Dude! Line-jacking!

Queer Comandeer said...

Augusten Burroughs (if that IS his real name) is a no talent hack and should be left to rot in paperback. Seriously. He's like an uglier, fatter, less funny David Sedaris who was raped as a child.