I Give Up


SAMANTHA IS COMING TO TOWN. Like, right now. Or very close to that.

I am almost litterally shitting my pants right now--this will be the first time Sam has visited me here in SF. But there's just one thing--

I've been contemplating the idea lately (okay, for a pretty long time now) that there may very well be no one in this world who will ever love me as much as her--and I feel selfish when I kinda don't like that. She's the lovliest, purest,vtruest thing I have; and I'm dissatisfied?

Is she my only Cake? Why isn't that okay anyway?

So, she'll be here. Soon. And then SF will know who she is and all of you here will know us as an "us" like we should be all the time...and then? And then she will leave, and I will be here and then everyone here will know that I already have my Cake and I don't deserve any more. You would all be right. I will stay here boning all my fucking friends and slapping people at will, and she will go home to Ian. Her boyfriend. And I will be jealous. And I completely shouldn't be.

One day.
No day but today.

1 comment:

Sam said...

You forget the other side of the equasion, M.I.Randa. Or maybe you just don't write it down... I've been thinking about this since I saw your face when we were talking about Ian and I the other day.

I'm wondering if I get cake, or if I get a curse. I love you more than anyone, and I want a man in my life to love too (oh, and also, to observe the bone sabbath with). I'm still trying to figure out how to have both at the same time. Maybe it can't work to have both in the same city (for now) but sacrificing time with either one of you to live in the city with the other one is crazy.

Do I get to have cake and eat it too? I'm wondering if I actually get to have cake, or if I'm stuck in the cake shop window looking back and forth between two different cakes and can't have both the way I want them.

Maybe I should hook up with Betty Crocker, at least for a one night stand.

Oh, and also, I'm sorry for puking in your bed on the bone sabbath. That was a major deflation of the bone.