I am so awesome.

I bought a new pair of Vans last week, and the box just so happened to still be lying on my living room floor. It says: "Vans, since 1966".

Wow. So I'm thinking, like...wow. That's forty years of high voltage tennis shoe making. And then I'm like: "Whoa. That means next year is 2007."
What does 2007 mean? It means ten years since high school. That makes me old. Oh well.

Now, if my high school career had been a little more...um, traditional, then that would mean that next year would be my ten year highschool reunion. Yeah, I don't get one of those--nor did I get prom, respect, or a senior year--but I was thinking about the top ten things I would like to say to people at my ten year high school reunion if I was going to go to one or have one.

So I bring you:

Top Ten Things I Would Like To Say To People At My Ten Year High School Reunion If I Was Going To Have One Of Those
By: Milkshake Moure

10. "Yeah, I don't really remember it that way. I'm pretty sure that I was and still am cooler than you."
9. "Thanks. Wanna try them on? Yeah, they're Bvlgari. Umm...that's pronounced like a U. How did you manage to graduate from college, again?"
8. "Whoa, I never thought you would get so fat. Hey, what's it like to be almost thirty?"
7. "Oh my god, you guys got married? I fuck rockstars, but that's cool, too."
6. "You live in Puyallup? Oh, Wow. Yeah, I live in the city that invented Levi's. That's so ironic because I litteraly own jeans at least twice as hot as your little trophy wife. Yeah, technically that's not irony, but good luck with Pasha or whatever."
5. "Hey, look how well my Vuitton wallet goes with my hot foreign lover. Did you hear that thing he does with his R's? He does that in my mouth."
4. "That's so funny! That reminds me of this one time I was in Berlin. Will you excuse me? It's just that I seem to have realized that I still don't like you."
3. "Yeah, I do look great, don't I? The constant partying, orgasming and extremely high intelligence seems to do that. Oh, and I drink a lot of water, too."
2. "Remember that time a ho got out of your Dad's car? Damn, your Dad totally fucked that ho."
1. "Wow, since high school? Well, I traveled all over the world, moved all over the country, painted murals, made t-shirts, performed poetry, followed bands, owned rare Volvos, met a bunch of famous rappers, built a family and wrote a novel. Oh, yeah, I also fucked your Dad. And your Wife. Sorry about that."



~PhoenixRising said...

:) Sounds like a good top ten. Submit it to McSweeney's?

Nick said...

#2 all the way.