When I die.

Today, I took out a very sizeable life insurance policy on myself, the beneficiary being Peter Counts.

But really--what is he really gonna do with $250,000 if I should, Zeppelin forbid, actually die?

Well, here is my official 'just in case'. People who know me know that in the event of my untimely death, this is to be followed to the letter. First...

My Stuff.
I own very few things that really need dividing up, but here goes.
Peter Counts: Please take care of all my furniture, notebooks, archives, paintings, photos and posters. This includes anything else that could be construed to fit in this category.
Peter Smith: Please take my yearbooks and my camera.
Ed Wilhelme: Take my M collection, and name one of your children with a name starting with the letter M. That kid thing is optional by the way. Kind of. Also, please enjoy my key to the city.
Mindy Buhl: Take all of my clothing and outerwear. Please distribute my panties to boys I have slept with and keep my list forever and ever. Give the pink ones to Nicholas.
Nicholas Mathisen: Take my laptop. Also, call Mindy and get my panties.
Samantha Oldfield: Please take every original copy of NYCD.
Jennifer Gerking: Please enjoy all of my shoes. You're the only one I know who can even kind of fit into them.
Lauren Morlock: You have a very special job. You are in charge of...

My Funeral
I want no part of a traditional funeral. When I die, please follow these steps. If you get confused on your part, call Lauren for further instructions. Don't worry, if this sounds expensive, don't worry. Peter Counts will totally pay for this---he just got $250,000.

1. First, cremate me. Actually Lauren, you don't have to take care of this part at all. Peter Counts wil do that part.

2. Divide my remains into 10 stainless steel jars, each emblazened with the letter M in black. A capital M.

3. Each jar, in the hands of ten different people, will be taken to my favorite places in the world where they will hold them in thier palms, snap a photo in front of some landmark, and then leave it there. No scattering, please. It's messy and toxic. Just leave it there, and walk away. Or in the event of some kind of "Homeland Security Bomb Scare" concerning just leaving it there, just throw it in a garbage can or something. Who cares.

3a. Oh, yeah. Please take them to these places:

I. Alexanderplatz, Berlin, Germany.
II. Espanola Way, Miami Beach, Florida.
III. Sears Tower, Chicago, Illinois.
IV. The Pantheon, Rome, Italy.
V. Crater Lake, Gifford-Pinchot National Forest, Washington.
VI. Leicester Square, London, England [please let Lauren do this personally].
VII. The Morrison Bridge, Portland, Oregon.
VIII. Grace Cathedral, San Francisco, California.
IX. Robson Street, Vancouver B.C., Canada.
X. Carrie Park, Seattle, Washington.

3b. Seriously, If I'm dead then Pete will have a lot of money. You can totally do this.

4. Give all these photos to Lauren, who will carefully frame them.

5. Display these photos at an opening coinciding with the release party for all of my collected and previously unpublished work, and get some awesome young writers to come and perform. Please don't put in the crappy stuff though, save it for later for when people are desperate and will read anything. Like TuPac. Oh, and have Mark Hunstman edit it and fix all my grammer and bad spelling. Don't let him take out all of the run on sentaces and some of the ill-fitting puctuation, though.

5b. Seriously, this should be a big fucking party. Get every number out of my phone and everyone you can possibly think of that I've known and fly them all somewhere fun for this bitch. Please. Party--I mean a real REAL party.

5c. Get a cool band to play too, and please god don't charge anyone. Oh, and don't serve crappy beer. Get kegs of Oktoberfest or some awesome summer brew and have waiters passing out cans of Black Label and packs of Camel Lights.

5d. If I die of lung cancer, don't give out Camel Lights. Even I think that's probably in bad taste.

6. Give all the proceeds of my book to somewhere cool--like Pratt Fine Arts Center in Seattle or Arts Center Miami. Whatever, just let Lauren chose. Or just keep it. I really don't give a shit.

7. At this party, please play these five songs:

5. White Lexus, Mike Doughty.
4. Goin Up the Country, Canned Heat.
3. Into the Open, Velvet Teen
2. Held Down, De La Soul.
1. For What It's Worth, Buffalo Springfield.

That is all.

Thanks, guys.


lauren said...

wow...i have a lot of resposibilty, but im up for the challenge. im honored that you would choose me to be the one in charge of your funeral. it will be a PARTY, guaranteed! dont leave us anytime soon, we have a few more trips to go on...please.

Jennifer Gerking said...

My dear Miranda, I decide to google my name for the first time in a year and I find out that I am the future beneficiary of your shoe collection. I am truly honored to have close to the same size feet as you and that you would think of me in the first place! I know we havn't talked in a while, but I think of you often and I hope you're happy and healthy :)

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