This is not my beautiful wife.

Okay. Let's clear something up once and for all 'cause I'm tired of reminding all of you out there--

I have a site tracker.

So if you have all of the best intentions from visiting my blog several times a day every day as of late, then why not leave me a little comment? Hmmm...not in the mood? That's awfully convenient.

I mean, okay. Yeah, there's people I know for a fact that read it on average of every other day and don't say a word. I get between five and ten hits a day from a work computer that recent events have forced me to remain nameless, but anagrams to Sac In Her Rag Hotels. That's fine, I mean, I know you guys. Three hits a day from Phoenix and Scottsdale? Sup Ed, Carrie, Daniel. Brooklyn? Yeah, I see you up in there a couple times a month, and yeah, I stop by yours to look at your pics every once in a while. That's all cool--we know each other. It's fine.

But walking through my beautiful house several times a day on the sly? That's just weird. And furthermore, just add me to your favorites if you're that concerned with trying to figure me out instead of linking through my MySpace profile, which is no doubt found on one of your friend's top 8.

Do you yet realize I am talking to you?

Right now, as you read this, your IP address is making an entry in my visitor log. I then also know what city and state you live in, when you visit my blog, how many times, how long you linger, and what kind of computer you have. This is totally real.

With little more than five minutes of my precious time, I can cross this with some info I found by viewing the source code on your MySpace profile and by breaking into your e-mail. My suspicions of your identity were of course, confirmed.

Just so you know--

I am that girl who has everything you could ever want.
Don't believe me?
Stop by more often.

--M

p.s.--Change your password.

Oops. I'll fix that right now.

In all of my preliminary-birthday-wishlisting-frenzy, I have, until now, completely forgotten to make a list of things I DON'T want. Not just don't want, but that ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAPPEN. I recently related this to Counts on his MySpace, and thought I should also post it here.

Milkshake Moure's Big List of Stuff That Cannot Happen This Coming Sunday That Has Happened On Previous Birthday's of Mine
by: Milkshake Moure

1. Sleep with my girlfriend's dad's best friend (or any married men, for that matter).
2. Dance topless on a pooltable at four in the morning.
3. Get in a car accident.
4. Wake up at some girl's house in bed with her boyfriend while she's in the other room (Portland is a crazy little town).
5. See anyone who's birthday it also is (ANYONE).
6. Get in a fight (see #5).
7. Stay sober.
8. Wake up at somebody elses apartment even though mine will probably still be crazy.
9. Give out my phone number without remembering it only to get a call on Halloween from somebody named "Hot Chocolate".
10. Go out in public mostly naked.

There you go. Let's all chip in to keep me at least somewhat in line this year, K?
--M

Three lists. One, my own.

From Davey:
10.17.2006

1. A white lexus to drive you to the edge of town.
(With the understanding that, in this instance, the edge of town being whatever the edge of town needs to be, and the lexus? Of course the lexus is whatever is needed to get to the edge of town)
2. The best cake you’ve ever had, EVER.
3. A quiet spoken asian man to fold your clothing, reheat your leftovers, and read to you until you fall asleep.
4. The biggest dream fulfilled.
5. 63 white candles floating on a private koi pond, with oversized geese wandering the shore.
6. A million air-miles.
7. The new pink.
8. A footnoted copy of All the times Miranda has Saved Us, with footnotes made by each person involved in particular saving moment.
9. Two words: Personal Cobbler
10. I miss you.

From Ron:

10.04.06

1. A Pony.
2. The Manolo Blahnik 'Carmine', size 41. So hot.
3. Frederic Michalak, naked and on all fours.
4. Child Pornography
5. Bottomless Basil Gimlet.
6. Rachael Ray's Head.
7. Actually, #3 is for me.
8. We never went to the paint store. Thus, paint.
9. Franklin [edit: this is the puppet from Arrested Development, not the president or whatever bill said president adorns]
10. Mexican Pharmaceuticals. Lots of 'em.
11. Your attendance at Ron's Fake Mustache Birthday Extravaganza! Location, date tba.

And finally, mine.

I've been going through my things and found my yearbooks. Here are the Ten funniest things people signed in them.

10. "Wow, what a crazy year. And who will forget the epic move from Bauhaus to Puss-Puss." --Henley, '96.
9. "Remember that time we watched Alive? Oh my god! BUTT ICE!" --Laura, '96
8. "YOU ARE SUCH A CRACK HO." --Meghan, '97
7. "Fuck yeah! We're so done with this place! Man, this school fucking sucks." --Caitlin, '97
6. "I wrote a haiku about you: A sign flashes 'show'/as you begin to walk by/it changes to ho." --Tim Berry, '97
5. "Everyone from the Orgy tent should totally meet up in like...10 years." --Peter Smith, '95
4. "Fuck that Garfield fucker CALEB, I still have his flannel, and I haven't burned it. Yet." --Elizabeth, '95
3. "I'll see you later if you come back next year. If not then maybe not." --Ed, '95
2. "You may have bigger hands than me, but I can beat the crap out of you! And don't think I don't know shit about you 'cause everyone knows Francis's mom is your shrink and he's my homie." --Bryce, '95
1. "I'm so glad I'm finally signing your yearbook. Even though you're leaving, let's never stop wearing black, okay?" --Carrie, '97

Hey Carrie?

Carrie Clark-Collier?

You still do too...right?

RIGHT?

--M

No Sleep 'Till 26

List.

Of wishes.

1. Sleep. Lots of it.

2. My apartment to be unpacked and put together. Sidenote to Mark "RCU" Huntsman Costanza Bukowski: No, my apartment does not make me sleepy and sad anymore. Work and my brand new fuck buddy are taking care of that arena quite nicely.

3. Excellent sex. Oh wait...check.

3. Coach tennies. Oh shit...check, check.

3. Samantha to come to town. Fuck, not again!
Confirmation Date: 10/20/06
Received: SAMANTHA
Passenger(s): OLDFIELD/SAMANTHA 526-2751627111-6
Itinerary:
Saturday, October 28 - SEATTLE TACOMA WA(SEA) to OAKLAND CA(OAK)
Flight 2725 M
Depart SEATTLE TACOMA WA(SEA) at 11:25AM and
Arrive in OAKLAND CA(OAK) at 1:30PM
Saturday, November 11 - OAKLAND CA(OAK) to SEATTLE TACOMA WA(SEA)
Flight 1216 M
Depart OAKLAND CA(OAK) at 6:55PM and
Arrive in SEATTLE TACOMA WA(SEA) at 8:55PM
Check, check, chickety-check-check.

3. Please, show me how to live.

4. To forgive the world right now.

5. Cake.

--M

Guest Lister: My New T-Shirt

This is a poem that I did not write that is printed in dark green flocked letters on the only black t-shirt that my store carries. I, of course, three days after it arrived at my store, promptly purchased it. It was only later that I realized that true art can be found even at my place of work.

Here goes.

Cookies, Them Gummy things, Soda, ice cubes, More Cookies WITH chocolate chips, Peanut Butter, Candy + more candy + More Candy and Brownies from the DELI, Coffee, (not decaf) and CAKE with cream + Jam, Cream and can frosting top cake, Dog food, Cat Food, wild Burd Food, Dog treats, more candy, cat treats, boo-chocolate! Can't forget the CHOCOLATE Strawberry ICE CREAM!! Vanilla? Salsa, HOT, more cake and Cakes. Fruit: Apples, BANANAS LEMONS, GRAPES -- Wines and Champanes, Sharpies, Fruit Bars, Cake, and some pants with JUICY on the ass!!

I love black T-shirts.

And Cake.

And I want all of these things for my birthday too.

--M

From Peter Smith

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be. Change the subject to the year you were graduated.

1. Who was/were your best friend(s)?
Um...Henley Spalding-Ratterie, I 'spose. Also up in there: The fact that I didn't have a senior year of high school, Peter Counts, Peter Smith, Ed Wilhelme III, and by that time, Samantha Oldfield. Also, Rebecca Roll-Miccici.

2. What sports did you play?
Competitive Coffee Drinking/Ciggarette Smoking.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
None. I didn't learn how to drive until I was 18.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
At my apartment with my Roomate Jon-O taking gravity bong hits.

5. Were you a party animal?
Yes. Still am.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
That's a joke, right?

7. Ever skip school?
Once. I said I had an audition.

8. Were you a nerd?
Thinking back, yes. But I had many friends.

9. Were you in any clubs?
Yeah, I was in the "I'm too young to vote, but am a Poly-Sci major" club.

11. Can you sing the fight song?
Of my highschool, yup. Our fight song was "I Wanna Be Sedated". It was un-official, of course. I can't believe Peter Smith doesn't remember this.

12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Ken's Dad.

13. Favorite class?
English 101 with Ken's Dad.

14. What was your school's full name?
Seattle Central Community College

15. What was your mascot?
Colleges don't have mascots, which is where I spent my Senior Year, but highschools do, and the one I went to had "The Flying Bagel" as it's un-official mascot. Technically, we didn't have one. Again, I can't believe Peter Smith doesn't remember this.

16. Did you go to dances?
I went to Prom my junior year with Ben Coltrane.

If you could go back and do it again, would you?
No. But I would make sure that reguardless, I still met Peter Smith and Ed.

18. What do you remember most about graduation?
That I didn't have one.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
That I didn't have one.

20. Who did you have a crush on/date?
Peter Counts.

21. Did you have a job your senior year?
Yup. Record store, Bee-yotch.

22. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Mandarin Gate? Chinese Garden? You know; that one Chinese place on Broadway.

23. Have you gained weight since then?
Finally at 23, yes. 10 pounds. I still need five more so I don't look so young.

24. What did you do after graduation?
Portland.

26. Where are most of your classmates?
Still in Seattle.

27. Are you going to your 10-year reunion?
I don't have one.

28. Who was your worst teacher?
My Design teacher. He kept getting pissed that I had to work to pay rent. I finally dropped the class.

29. Who will repost this after you?
Not Peter Smith, he sent this to me.

--M

Wish list, revisited. Oh, and also, continued.

From 10.28.05:

Also, my birthday is tomorrow. Here is my wishlist, as commented on RCU's blog.

Wish list:
1. Hold Samantha in my arms. For reals, not while asleep.
2. Anderson will never come back from Hawaii to make fun of my relationship with my wife.
3. That saturday wil herald a new era of wellbeing for all, but especially me. Like in SK's 2010.
4. Cake.
--M

and now, a continuation of:

Milkshake Moure's Ongoing Birthday Wishlist Spectacular 2006

1. Time. Lots and lots of it for all manner of productive things like unpacking, cleaning, sleeping, having lots of excellent sex, and repainting my scary apartment.
2. Excellent sex. Did I say that already?
3. To encounter no one who's birthday it also is. Events of late have officially taught me that THIS IS BAD. Bad, Miranda. Bad, bad, bad.
4. For Thao and I to solemnly swear that next October will see us either swilling Foster's together in the US, or Budweiser in the AK. AK. That's right, isn't it? People say that, don't they? I think people have said that before.
5. Cake. The best kind. The rich, syrupy, thick delectable kind that seems oh so close and oh so elusive as of late.

More soon.
--M

p.s.--It seems as if I will not be killing anyone, and I will not be calling Jen with rediculous statements and ultimatums regaurding my sex life. I am also thinking that there might be lots and lots of typos in this post. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to care.

Let me count the ways.

Whoa.

List.

1. I am, right now, laying on my bed in my new place. I would be sitting on my couch or at my desk but I don't have that stuff yet.
2. Shaun came over last night, and he was like, "Omigod! Miranda!" and I was like, "What?" and he was like, "Omigod your place is awesome!"
3. I guess my place is awesome, even though there is a bookshelf in the kitchen and my alarm clock that doesn't work properly is sitting on a box.
4. At 10:00 am tomorrow, Iggy Pop will sound (v.) oh so melodiously from apt. 503, because there is no one to wake up. Sweet.
5. At 6:45 am, October 17, I fly to San Diego, only to return a few hours later. Let's hope I've finished painting by then.
7. Oh yeah, if you wanna help me paint, come over on the 11th and 12th. I have beer. And basically, you just have to sit there and hand me the paint brush when I need it. I love painting.
8. Green? Again? Yeah. Green.
9. Housewarming Party? How 'bout Sun, Oct. 29th?
10. Wait...when was that again?

That reminds me...

Continued Birthday Wish List
1. Cake.
2. Visitors.
3. Shoes. Expensive ones. Like patent leather Minolo Blahnik mary janes. Size 41, please.
4. Seriously, though--throw a dog a freakin' bone. They're only $700. Whatever.
5. A bookshelf.
6. Books.
7. A list of ten things you wish you could get me for my birthday but can't because it is expensive/illegal/impossible.
8. Damn, that's a fucking good one. Seriously, I really want that. Make me lists, people.
9. A chef's knife. I just realized that I've always shared one and all my other knives are crappy.
10. Movies and sleep and Pajamas in no particular order.

--M

I know it's not Thursday, but I miss Cari. Thx to Renee.

What is your favorite pattern?
Paisley.

Plaid mini Or bondage wear?
Both. Black plaid leather mini.

Gothic or Celtic?
Gothic. I mean, No! Shut up! I'm not a goth!

Black or red?
black.

handcuffs or silk ties?
Held down, no ties.

Erotic Or Sensual?
Hard.

Whip cream or chocolate syrup?
I'm alergic to dairy.

Stileetios or Chunky Heel Boots?
None. I take them off first.

Metal or Wood?
Wood? You mean like...wood?

Candles or lights?
Off.

Love hats?
If it's cold.

Metal or Emo?
Punk Rock. Oh, and Folk. I'm not joking.

Bulletbike or Harley?
Volvo.

Mixed drinks or shots?
Beer. And whiskey with ice. Need the ice--and a straw for that matter.

Cows or horses?
Buses.

Car or truck?
Volvo. Didn't I say that?

Mud or sand?
Concrete.

Bald or long hair?
Bald. Especially on women.

Stucco or brick?
Beer.

Basketball or football?
Beer.

Boxing or ultimate fighting?
Beer.

Natural or madeup?
Whatever gets the deed done.

Tomboy or girly girl?
Again, whatever gets the deed done.

long nails or short?
Short.

colors or earthtones?
Neither.

Quickie or Hrs?
Quickie. Then hours. Then sleep. Then another quickie. Then I make hime drive me home so I can get ready for work.

Foreplay or wham bam thank u maA M?
I'm a busy ass girl. I don't have time for a bunch of unneccesary bullshit.

Rainy day or sunny?
Nighttime.

Fireplace or heater?
Body heat.

Biting or sucking?
I suck at nothing, except well...I don't suck at that. Not in the least.

All over a room or just in bed?
Bed. I have a bad back. You'd never know it though.

Do u sleep on your side?
Yup.

How many blankets do u have on your bed?
None. I'm moving and they're in a garbage bag.

Do u drool when sleeping?
Yes. Hopefully not all over your chest. It happens; sorry.

Snore?
When I'm drunk or sick.

--M