RE: Best I, Anonymous Ever: Excerpts from Best Short Imagined Monologue Ever

William Smith: The College-Application Essay.

BY: Justin Parker Pool I

"I am presenting you with an autobiographical account of the chain of events that incited a chaotic, topsy-turvy time in my life. I beg of you to remain within a close proximity for but a scant few moments as I recount how I metamorphosed into the heir apparent of the municipality referred to as Bel-Air, California."


"I took part in nothing but a single skirmish, yet my mother became immersed in fear, at which point she commanded me to transfer my residence from her dwelling to that of my aunt and uncle in Bel-Air, California. I proceeded to hail a taxi and, upon its arrival, I made out an inscription on the license plate that read "FRESH" and was intrigued by a pair of dice draped over the rearview mirror."

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously, do yourself the favor.

Also, if you ever had an eight-bit Nintendo and a sleeping bag, please, for the love of god, check this fucking shit out. My favorite line from Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl?

Definitely: "Last week, the coach had a slumber party with a few friends from school. They played two whole seasons in one night. My heart stopped, and medics worked quickly and efficiently to give me shots of adrenaline, which brought me back to life. I am not complaining; these are just the facts. I am honestly willing to die for 500 yards. And my coach is willing to let me."

[italics mine]


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