"Cosmopolitan, up, with a twist."

My co-workers and I were reading a copy of--that's right--The Allmighty Cosmo.

You know what we found out?

That that magazine is fucking retarded. No really--they are touted as the #1 womens magazine in the country, and somehow they still can't manage to use the words 'penis' and 'vagina'. I am totally serious right now. Penises are called members, fucking is called love making, and vaginas are never even refered to at all but rather dematerialized into everything surrounding the actual glory hole i.e. clitorises, pubic mounds, and vulvas. When the vag is mentioned, it says something like "insert one finger inside of you." Where exactly is that? My fucking ear? No wonder women can't bring themselves to orgasm.

But I digress. The point is that my co-workers and I decided that we could totally write sex advice columns for Cosmo. Seriously! It would be so easy! Here's one I threw together. I'm gonna re-write it a few more times before I actually submit it, but it's really getting there. Enjoy.

How To Please a Man
An introductory lesson by Miss Moxie Moure

Hey kittens. Now I know what you're thinking. You're all like: "Omigod! I'm so old! I'm like 24 years old and I'm unmarried and ugly! Not to mention I'm super fat!"

Don't you worry your pretty little fat ass off, because all you really need to get ahead is get a man, and all you need to get a man are these 5 simple tips that will assure men will like you better than those other bitches at the gym or whatever.

1. Buy him beer.
Guys love beer, and they will love you if you buy it for them. Seriously ladies, let's shelve the Zinfandel for a night, plug in that Playstation, and invite the man of the week over to your pad. Then, all you have to do is buy the beer and have him drink it! Trust me, he'll be so stoked, he might just propose.

2. Put his member in your fucking mouth.
Don't be one of those corny bitches who supposedly "doesn't do that". You know what ladies? Girls who do that are married. To hot, rich men. With nice cars.

3. After you put his member in your mouth, suck really hard, and bob your head up and down.
I cannot stress this enough. It's not always enough just to merely put it in your mouth, you might actually have to suck on it a little or possibly even move. Now every man is different so don't take this as the absolute gospel, but his member is a very sensitive part of his body, and this will likely feel very, very good. He might even propose!

4. Sleep with him.
That's right ladies, it couldn't be easier. Let him put his member inside of you. Inside where? Well, you'd be surprised to know you actually have a lot of options. If you let him pick, he'll probably just propose to you.

5. Get the fuck out.
You never want to be too available because that would be stupid. You must leave his house in the middle of the night after your lovemaking and by no means should you ever call him again. I mean, if he doesn't call you, is he really marriage material? Of course not. If he does, just offer to put his member in your mouth again. Are those wedding bells I hear? I think so.

Trust me, this is all you need to know. Don't worry about how your body works or anything clinical like that. It's pretty unimportant. Really.

Good luck ladies!!!



angelica said...

my god! this is your best post yet!

huntsmanic said...

wow. you've gotten so calculated. bold, like always, but never did i expect you'd be so premeditated about cosmo. i don't know whether to protect myself or give in. the words of corey hart come to mind -

and I wear my sunglasses at night
so I can, so I can
forget my name while you collect your claa-aim

tsg said...

You're awesome. I like the free beer part.