Worst. Sex. Ever.

Many have asked about the TSG blow-up, so here's what happened.

I went over to his apartment one night, he was acting like an asshole and I told him to stop. He asked me if I was on my period or something. I replied that no, I wasn't, and that he was just being an asshole. Then we had the most perfunctory sex I've ever had to the point where I was comparing it to the other worst sex I had ever had in my life while it was happening. Then I got dressed and left his apartment in the middle of the night. It's really that simple.

Since then, I have had some similarly bad sex. Not quite that bad, but bad, and I'm beginning to think that the only comon denominator is me. Maybe I'm just bored. Maybe I'm dissatisfied. Maybe I'm insatiable.
I don't know. Let's recap.

Nico--Oct. 27th

Miguel's friend Nico was visiting from Texas. Before he got here, Erica talked him up all like "Oh my god he's covered in tats and he's hit like every girl in Dallas and every girl is always talking about how awesome he is in bed..." Blah, blah, blah. What actually happened? He wrapped his hands around my neck, shoved me against a wall and put his tounge down my throat. Then, he said he couldn't fuck me because he had a girl back home, but changed his mind sometime around the time his fucking dick got hard. Unfortunately it turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy--he could barely stay hard and proceeded to fuck me for a grand total of 25 seconds. That's a liberal estimate.

I'll give Nico a C-, but most points are awarded for him shamefully sleeping on the couch after he knew he fucked up and left me completely fucking frustrated. Bonus points are awarded for the following night when we went out and actually had a good time together without him trying to show off.

Mike--Oct. 29th
The sex was allright that night; in fact, from what I can remember, it was pretty good. I was completely hammered however, as it was my birthday. Let's revisit that one.

Woody--Nov. 5th
After a sexually fruitless week in the Pac-NW, I decided my last night there should be spent at my ex's house, so I booty called him at one in the morning. When I arrived, I was so fucking exhausted, I could do little more than curl up in his bed, and fall asleep. In the morning, he fucked me for about five minutes.

I'll give Woody an even C, but I should also note that morning sex has never been a forte of mine. To date I've only been really into the morning thing with one person, and that was Math. Bonus points in this case are awarded for getting me an extra blanket, putting on Trailer Park Boys (to which I am addicted now) before I went to sleep, and hitting the snooze button enough times to let me sleep in. Oh, and for actually caring for me. Yup guys, it's true. There's at least one of them out there.

So what happened with Mike? Oh fuck. I've told this story a hundred times today, and every time it makes less and less sense--

Let's just skip to the end.

"Well, can't you just blow me a little bit?"


"What? Miranda?"

"Get out of my apartment right now."

Yeah, he get's an F. No points were awarded for asking me on his way out: "What are you doing tomorrow?"

You guys, I just need to be fucked. Hard. Long. All fucking night long. I need some no-holds-barred-crazy-fucking-animal-style-fucking, I need some good old-fashioned deep-dicking, some marathon fucking insane not-enough-ciggarettes-in-the-world-can-calm-me-down-after-that-fucking-fucking-we-just-did type sexcapade. I'm totally serious. I need this to reset my clock, you know? Wipe the slate clean, start over.

The worst part is, I can remember the last time I was fucked like this, and in the morning when he got in the shower, I ran back upstairs in my PJ's with a bruised cervix, slammed my door and slid my back down the inside of it until my head rest upon my knees.

I hated myself in the morning for doing it, but now all I can think is that I hate myself for not enjoying it at the time.

Can one be so fortunate to feel unhappy for having amazingly good sex?

Apparently I once thought it was a luxury I could afford.


p.s.--I'm behind about 1000 words on NaNoWriMo right now. Boo. On the upside, Lisa and I are going to a party at the Psychiatrists house on Saturday. Stories and pics on Sunday.

1 comment:

huntsmanic said...

dude, that's so good. i love having heard the verbal breakdown as well.

tell me how writing is coming along for you; i'm struggling a bit, man, but this is a very complicated case. lotta ins; lotta outs; lotta whathaveyous.