"Mom, I just got your message. It's too late in Miami to call, so I'll write a post for you and send you a link. XOXO --M"

"Dear Mom,

"Even though you stressed I shouldn't call back (even though I'll try tomorrow), I thought I should at least get you up to speed on all the superfluous bullshit going on in San Francisco and otherwise so we can talk on the phone about all the hot, hot sex I'm not having near as often as I should be.

"Hey, remember Samantha? Yeah, funny story--she actually completely dipped out of my life right after my 26th birthday, and I've barely heard from her since. Now I'm far enough into 27 that I don't forget how old I am anymore, and she finally decides to drop me a line. Go ahead, check out her comments on the post before this: are you hearing the ever-so-slight-twinge of sanctimonious bullshit too? I don't know, maybe it's just me--but it sucks to remember moving from Miami for her all those years ago on your birthday and this is all that's left--her still dropping me for some boy or another and expecting me to tearily pick up her fucking pieces time after time. It sucks, Mom. It sucks because she's probably still the person in this world that loves me the most and this is how she so offhandedly treats me.

"I just had surgery a couple weeks ago. Before you freak out, I'm fine, but it was weird getting into a cab by myself afterwards. It was the first time I've been to the doctor (save my optometrist) since my divorce, and my first real health scare ever. Don't get me wrong, I feel fortunate that I am for the most part, perfectly fine.

"Recuperating has been harder than I thought though, and I just keep telling my co-workers that I'm all better and nothing's wrong with me anymore so they wont freak out on me and try and send me home and stuff. The truth is that I've been getting these absolutely deabilitating headaches every other day and this sharp pain every hour or so that I'm standing up that feels like an icepick piercing any one of the various parts down there that are specific to my gender. My doctor says it should go away soon. Then he refuses again to prescribe me Vicodin.

"Most of the time lately, I'm sitting in front of my laptop, looking for a little solace in writing all of this terribly crappy prose that I keep writing and re-writing with very few instances of real fucking brilliance. My latest piece? A parody piece written as if it were the minutes of a made-up meeting of The Midnight Society--famed tween gang a la the early nineties kids show Are You Afraid of the Dark. Yup Mom, what you're thinking is 100% correct: Your kid is producing some seriously important work right now.

"Speaking of important work, I gotta give some props for your article in the Herald around my last birthday. After I read it, I sent a link to my friend Crystal whom I thought would get a kick out of it. A couple weeks later she sent me a birthday message that was something along the lines of: 'Even though you're old as hell, it's never to late to get frick-nasty! Happy Birthday!'

"Happy birthday, indeeed. If you like, you can check my archives for the ramifications of that one. It was a funny story involving a 30 y/o comedian who wasn't very funny at all.

"After my first year and a half here of couch-surfing and room subletting, I'm proud to say that I've lived in my current apartment long enough now for them to raise my rent. Can you believe it? I've lived here, by myself, for almost year and a half now, no endpoint yet in sight. It's true--your little girl is really settling down into her little Grace Cathedral Hill flat 1/3 the size of my place in Diane's building and a full $200 more a month. Damn, I miss Miami.

"And I have a 401K.

"And a mohawk.

"Both of those are true, by the way.

"I'm coming home soon for a visit. I'll give you the details over the phone, but in the meantime be sure to pencil me in for a trip to Publix or a Sunday coffee on Alton. Don't worry, you can't miss me. I'll be the heavily tattooed one on the back of Rob's scooter. With a mohawk.


p.s. to all--The Are You Afraid of the Dark thing is, much like my mohawk, completely true. If there is any interest in reading this, I'll post it. Just ask very nicely. Also, ask me again in a week about the Samantha thing. I'm furious right now, and in no position to comment rationally.

p.p.s. to Mark--I got your message too, and I just finished reading Ashton Kutcher Fan Fiction: The Middle School Dance by Mellissa Bell while simultaneously listening to Tough Room and I have a few notes.
1. This Just In: Spork Used as Knife.
2. And then they Frenched (did you notice 'Frenched' was capitalized?).
3. That article from almost a year ago that Ira references about TAL in the Onion is still hung on my wall. My favorite line? "...contributors to This American Life took time from their best selling essay-writing careers to comment on...the unique challenges of growing up in a home supportive of thier homosexuality." I'm giving you gold, here.
4. Oh, and just in case you needed further convincing, you are not being punk'd. Submitted for the Approval of The Midnight Society: Minutes From 11.14.95 is totally real. My favorite line?
12:34am--Dan rushes toward the fire attempting to wrench the water pail from Tasha screaming at her to "...put that [expletive] bucket down, [expletive]. That story wasn't even scary." He then declared a new rule which would require storytellers to tell a good story if thier first story sucked, which was met with much dissention. Dan then reiterated that he was clearly the smart one because he had glasses, and that we had "...all better listen to [Dan], because [he's] not [expletive]ing around. This [expletive] is [expletive]ing serious."
5. Dude, it's like the one utensil that it's not. Also, you will get your period soon.


huntsmanic said...

dude, shit, that's funny. just on a formal level, anytime you can turn a pps into its own list, you've got props coming to you. we need to see those midnight society minutes--toot sweet. as the french say; and good for them, 'cos i don't know what to say. i don't know what to say but i know he was right. she was pretty in a very subtle way that not everyone understood at first, just as her mother told her. "since u been gone" started playing. this is my favorite song, said ashton.

lisa said...

dude, "toot sweet" was a fucking "Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang" song!!!

lisa said...

tout suite?

huntsmanic said...

i know -- i just can never quite remember how it's spelled, and i say it wrong anyway, so i just spell it that way too. toot? sweet!

huntsmanic said...

i quit on you when you cleared outta DE-TROIT with WILLY THE PIMP:


daddy is the breadwinner. you dig what i'm sayin?

huntsmanic said...

you, milkshake, are the first person i argued w over flight v invisibility, so. here's a silly twist on the question. it has pictures; so it has that going for it.

which is nice.

huntsmanic said...


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