"1, 2, 3, 4...I'm going off!"

I just saw it.

Wait, let me rephrase that...

I just saw it.

That's right guys, at 12:01 it officially became May 30th, and I, like so many other women in this world, went to see it.

Now in leiu of the normal crap I put on this blog as well as the crap I've been putting on this blog lately, it's time for two lists. Two lists of a kind that I never put on this blog.

Things I should have in order to not feel deeply imperfect, specifically in the way that they would make me more like most people.

1. A ladle.
2. A bedroom. One that isn't a closet.
3. A desk that wasn't always covered in crap so I wouldn't be typing this on my kitchen table which isn't even in my kitchen right now but rather is in my living room because I don't own another table for various living room pursuits such as sewing, typing, etc. because my desk is covered in crap.
4. A table in my living room so I can put my kitchen table back in my kitchen.
5. The will to change my sheets, put away my laundry, and clean my desk. That or a maid. Whatever.


Some predictions on the events of the next few weeks.

1. I will receive a phone call in the next few days, work schedule providing. Not my work schedule, mind you. When I answer the phone, I will say all the wrong things. I may regret some of them. Some of the things I say will make it to ears that I would rather not hear them. Then, I will receive another phone call, and I will not talk much, but rather listen for fear that I will seem like someone they wouldn't want to be calling and I really want him to be calling. On this most auspicious and second call, I will refrain from saying two things: "I love you" and "you're wrong and I'm right." I should say both of these things although I wont.

2. In the next month, I will purchase five flight segments. I should not be purchasing two of these, as they will ruin the latter three.

3. I will fuck someone and regret it. I will regret it because sex is not meant to render you silent, but rather is supposed to open a dialogue. This sex will render me catatonic because I am well aware of my penchant for talking myself into a corner. This corner, however, will be my only retreat because I will choose silence far before I will flat out lie.

4. I will find out that I have nothing to regret because I never had anything to lose.

5. I will drink a beer from the comfort of my kitchen linoleum. With pillows. And a flexi straw. While I am drinking these beers, I will be watching episodes of some crap that I would usually never watch like Grey's Anatomy or The Real World simply because one of my girlfriends recommended it and I trust them. I will not answer my phone[s].


Now I would just like to take the time to say that I don't really need a ladle, and I really don't want any of those things to come to pass.

I'm just frightfully afraid that they will.

I invite you to check them off with me, because against all of my better hopes, I can almost guarantee you at least three of the five.

1 comment:

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