8.13.2008

Wednesday morning, papers didn't come.

Crystal and Amanda,

I'm in the home stretch. My bed is in my livingroom, in the exact same place I put it when I first moved in to this apartment. Two days later after some unpacking, I retired it to the closet where it has sat until now.

I moved into this apartment October the third, 2006. You do the math. That's how long I've slept in a closet. A closet. When I moved my mattress and boxspring out, you wouldn't believe what I found underneath--empty condom wrappers, pens, pencils, about 20 bobby pins, hair ties, an old t-shirt, three or four socks, and a ton of dust and dust bunnies. A year and a half of dust bunnies. Gross.

Today was the first day that I haven't felt like I was going to throw up for most of the day. I fended off the nerves with tons of coffee, no food, and probably eight or nine Bourbon & Branches that I've been sipping on since about two or three. Going through all of this stuff makes me want to cry--and everytime I find another sentimental item I have to stop and cradle it for a moment, and all of the stories that I hope to write fill my head and I can't think straight or see my way out of it.

Today I packed up a picture of you Amanda, sitting in front of the computer at The Circus with your head turned around to face the camera and a sign of the face of the eMac that reads "NO SMILING" in big black letters. In the same box I put the red earmuffs that you got me for New Years/Christmas '04. Then I listened to Visqueen's Vaxxine, and any flutter that I may have had about this move momentarily went away.

Yes, it's true. I'm totally terrified, and I'm exhausted because all I can hear when I'm asleep at night is screaming, and I have nightmares of wrecking my moving van and accidently knocking huge holes in the wall that I have to patch and fix before I leave. And on top of that I hate myself right now for how little I've accomplished. Goddamnit.

But I love you guys, and I'm so thankful for all of your quiet persistence because what I really need right now is exactly what you two gave to me--someone to fight for me. Thanks, because I don't know how much fight I have in me right now.

Sunday morning, creeping like a nun.
xoxo
--M

3 comments:

the Albino Bowler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the Albino Bowler said...

I was pleased to see that you found the Rodeo. Even moreso to see that you found the time to pipe in. Thank you. For this experiement, I need interaction with insightful and funny writers. I hope and expect to hear from you shortly...
M-

Crystal said...

You are a total whore, you know. and I miss that "no smiling" sign.