D: All of the above.

from: ["m moure" m@mmoure.com]
sent --- 23:34:29, 9.3.08
to: ["Alan Stevenson" astevenson@sbcglobal.net]

subject: RE: Grace Cathedral Hill just wont be the same


I'm sorry. It's not like I didn't want to say anything until now. I did. I should have done many things different, but I haven't. The truth is, I want a lot of things to have happened differently, but I still can't wrap my head around how they might have been able to. I'm sorry.

I know you might have wanted to have one last torrid hurrah, but wasn't it you yourself who said, and I quote: "[I'm] setting my own trap, making [my] own bed"? Why would you want that for me when you know how damaging it could have been? And the worst part is that it has already been damaging, because in my conscious and obsessive fear not to repeat the past, I think I've hurt a lot of feelings. Both in SF and here. Here in Seattle. Right here in Georgetown. I needed some kind of plan, and so far it's worked. Kind of.

But then I hear from you, and truthfully I don't even remember my drunken promise to see you one last time before I left, but I do know that in my haste there were a lot of people I neglected to see before I began that long drive from the 80 to the 505 and that long 700 miles up the 5, straight through the middle of northern California, over the Siskiyous, the sunset nap in Salem, and that last terrifying 4 hours and change when I was alternating between hallucinations and debilitating sleep deprivation staved off only lighly by the caffeine poisioning. And yeah, I know that you wish you could have had those last hours with me, between three and six in the morning before I rose in California and ended my night in Washington---but think about it. Really--before you get all kindsa accusatory with me again--think about it. Trust me, I know how swiftly those dark hours pass when it's the one night you wish them to remain still. I know. And that's what I meant when I said I was so scared of that Sunday when the race just to get there was over and I'd have to actually begin a life.

What I really wanted to change, about those hours I mean, is how much stock I put in them.

Thanks to you, I have.

I'm sorry you're the one who is so conflicted now.

I miss you. Let's chat soon. Really.

[p.s. to Hunts: I was glancing at your book again today, and I came across this, and finally understood it. It's from guess what chapter:

Etta seems to have a rule by which she's allowed to A) tell Hal he's awesome, or B) touch him, but C) not both in a given day.

Three things strike me about this line, being 1) that I have done that to so many boys and never heard it put so succinctly, and 2) I never knew that boys even noticed that we, meaning girls, were actively doing that because 3) we don't do it because we don't care, and we honestly believed you guys only saw the care, not this kind of glass-is-always-only-half-full scenario that you interpret as some sort of calculated indifference. we don't mean to "cut [your] heart[s] and paste [them] back together twice an hour", but I am now sure that there are many boys that I know that would agree with you, not me, on this matter. We're sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that now that I have about wrapped up this post script, that I'm not absolutely sure that it's solely for you. xoxo --M]

1 comment:

huntsmanic said...

dude. 2 things : thanks--f'ing great for that part to resonate with you; and hell, it's not really for me at all, by the end. that ps can be rightly addressed to a lot of peops i'm sure, not least yourself.