1.23.2012

Sweetness, part 2. I mean 3.

from: ["miranda moure" m@mirandamoure.com]
sent --- 15:43:12, 01.23.12 to: ["Alan Stevenson" astevenson@sbcglobal.net]


Alan,


You are quite possibly my favorite device, and I miss having you around. For sure.
We can talk. We can talk as much as you like, but you're right that I am still struggling with putting myself out there again both on the internet and in real life. Thankfully being me in print has been helping me to be me in real life.

Oh, Hunts. I wish you hadn't reminded me. It was so painful to lose him, possibly made more so as he had strung me along for over a year claiming to be busy or whatever. I thought we weren't hanging out because I wasn't reaching out enough or that it was somehow my fault and I felt like he led me to believe this on purpose. When I read his letter I cried halfway through it, and it hurt even more that it was so, so well written. Now I peruse this blog and every other comment is his, and I miss the way he observes things, and I still desperately miss my friend. 

The Hunts situation especially seems so ultra ironic now--I remember feeling so cheated out of my friend by his wife, but now I wonder who's responsibility it is to keep your partner from cheating--is it her job? Was she doing it properly? I mean, is this a thing people do?

I know we have never spoke of him Alan, but I can't get this vision of Chase's hand in some other girls crotch out of my head, and it's not just the act, Alan. It's the way he did it so casually, as if it weren't already fucking disgusting to be fingering some girl in a bar let alone in front of your girlfriend, your wife, your best friend, and your housemate. I wonder now if this isn't what Laura kept imagining in her head and I now know how bankrupt people's promises can be, and I also know how very much easier it can be to just force your partner to do as you say because I let Chase do it to me for three long years.

I went out with my brother in law last night and we chatted about things that we regret. Losing Hunts is one of those things, but for the life of me I can't figure out a way to go back and do it over and I know that my promises mean shit in the eyes of someone who's probably been hurt before. I miss Hunts so much. I miss him more than I miss you or most people and it hurts to think of him today.

We can talk more soon. But probably never ever about Mark ever again. I admired him and loved him and I loved the way he made me feel talented even when it was unwarranted or no one else cared. I valued his opinion more than pretty much anyone else, and I guess it hurt so much because I knew deep down that he was right, that I never deserved to know him anyway. I was just some silly girl in a grey skirt and circus makeup padding about an Alaskan Way apartment complex and I never really went past that for him. In fact, I have no idea who I was to him, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know.

And Alan, I'm not her. So please. Please don't make me her again.
xo
--M

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