I'm just a girl, standing in front of a microwave, waiting for my Hot Pocket to be done.

Amber and I have been cracking up over Marla, the OK Cupid Psycho, for weeks now. If you haven't done yourself the favor, head over to Other Nick the Writer's site and check it out.

The replies Marla gets seem ridiculous, but dudes: have you ever made an OK Cupid account? I have one, and I am telling you, there are some fucking weirdos out there. 

Today I checked my email to find that I had received a particularly funny message, so I texted Amber about it from Silent Haunted Penthouse.

M: "HAHAHA here's a message I just got on OKC: "Helo sweaty Dinner. Yes See, this is why I don't delete mine. This shit is fucking priceless."

A: "Wow! That's SO hopeless. Poor dude."

Poor dude, indeed. But I thought I might take the time to relate some of the funnier messages I have ever received on OKC. They are copied and pasted in their entireties without any changes to spelling or punctuation. Keep in mind these were all completely unsolicited, and were intended, I guess, to spark my interest enough to reply. Which I didn't. To any of them. Enjoy.

"I five you very interesting are you spiritual"
Seriously? This is literally a question you answer on your profile. And no. I'm obviously not.

"is everyone bisexual these days?"
Yes. Everyone is bisexual. Including the Pope, The President, and Charlton Heston. C'mon, dude.

"you seems very interesting and fun. id like to chat with you if your also interested. so you have traveled and moved alto. where are you from?"
I generally like to chat with people who have a better command of English.

"sexy as hell!"

"hi youuuuuuuu"

"aaah pajama pants. im really hoping this painting career takes off so they can officially be my work clothes"
I love my PJ's as much as the next creative who's chosen poison requires solitude, but it's not really a selling point. I usually lead with something like, "I have two jobs" not like, "I wish I never had to get out of bed." Full disclosure, I'm typing this while wearing a Juicy Couture tracksuit. You got me.

"U r very beautiful I like ur profile. If u like mine? Message me back"

"Nothing sexier than a girl with knee-high sox on and nothing else!"

Oh, the one I texted Amber about a few days ago?
"Great pics! Pretty feet!"

One was so fucking stupid I couldn't help but reply:
"Do you find me sick or sexy?"
"Neither. You found me."
"Do I know you??"

And he never will.


p.s.--I have tried over and over to put more comprehensive stories together of my drunken Pink Weekend, but it's just not translating well into print. Will I tell them? I'd be happy to. In person. Over pink champagne. --M

6.26 edit:

"You live in a railroad? like a train car?"

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