"In the beginning, there was a thing..."

"...and then one thing led to another."
--Tom Robbins

A list, I believe, is in order. It is the only thing I think I can manage to put together right now.

1. Ever since I got off the plane, I have been feeling like shit. I should have gone to Miami.

2. Seriously, though. My whole body hurts, all the time, every day. My joints are creaking and aching, I'm having a hard time getting through my shifts everyday. There are so many pills in my bag. I wish that they were chewable.

3.  In the morning, when I first wake up, there are a few moments when I'm still so still and maybe still a little asleep and I can't yet feel what my body is feeling and I forget that I was ever in pain. It's my kidneys that I feel first and I remember that they are swollen, and then I'll turn over a bit and every muscle I have starts chiming in their complaints like dominos, from tip to tail. Those first few seconds of the day; those are my favorite.

4.  Okay, in all seriousness, It should be hot here by now. I know, I know. You hate the heat, the humidity, right? Everyone does except me. When it's pushing a hundred degrees out my whole body unlocks itself and I finally feel normal. 

5. And finally, quit looking at me fucking cock-eyed when I tell you that my cousin is sick. Stop giving me that "Oh, it's just your cousin," look when I tell you that I am worried and upset. You have lots of cousins, huge families. Your families don't beat each other or hate gay people or hate their youngest daughters. Your families tell you you can do it when you feel like you can't, they pick you up from the hospital after your surgeries, they come visit you where you live. Your families have Dads that you spent last Sunday with, who, when you were young, taught you how to read and tie your shoes and toss a ball. Your families have huge houses in the forest that you can always go home to no matter how bad you fuck up or get fucked up and they support you in every little thing you do. I can count on one hand how many people I have like this and I have fingers left over. So please, I am happy for you, and sometimes I am even insanely jealous, but don't discount what I have because it doesn't look like what you're used to. Please. I'm too fragile right now.


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