6.21.2012

The Talk Part 1: An Open Letter to the Boy Who Has Never Received an Open Letter.

K--
This isn't how I had planned things.

Had you asked me in January how I thought things would shake down, my current life would have been my last possible guess. Of course, you didn't know me back then.

That, I think, is the weirdest part; you didn't know me back then, and it wasn't even that long ago, and when I'm around you I forget how I felt over the winter and I feel like spring started the moment I laid eyes on you. I say that like I am seeing that night in my minds eye and noting how my life has changed with you in it, and that isn't inaccurate, but it's not really the whole truth either. What I really mean is that it was right then--you stepping up to me at the bar, the exchange of names, when we took a table--that I knew that you would change all of my plans.

And those plans! I planned on holding on to my sure-thing backburner in my hometown while parading a string of pretty boys and girls through my bed here in Brooklyn. I planned on doing that for quite a long period of time. I planned on ignoring all the butterflies you created in my stomach when I so much as thought of you and I definitely never saw myself laying nude in your bed in your tiny room and confessing to you that I love you.

Note that it is only the confession I didn't plan for.

I knew. I've known it was going to happen for a while, and honestly I've hated waiting for it every day because I just wanted to get it over with. I know what it feels like because I've been there before--that day when the realization hits you like a shock wave and makes your breath and words catch in your throat--and it's so fucking painful knowing that this could potentially go very poorly and, well, be so very fucking public.

I've hid this for a few weeks now, not just from you but from everyone and I hate myself for it. I told you I lied to you because I had, and maybe you think it not so bad of an offense but I am ashamed of myself for this. I'm ashamed because maybe I thought I had something to prove and losing you for this reason wouldn't accomplish that and confessions of this sort can be incredibly divisive. Now it's out there, and I know it's wrong but I want to snatch it back and I can't. I couldn't stand keeping it a secret, and I can't stand everyone knowing, and now I fear that I wont be able to handle everyone watching me unravel this.

But you. I like you just the way you are, so how could I possibly fault you for the choices you make?

I'm ready for this to feel however it will feel in the end.

So please. For me. Make your choices honestly.

XO
--M

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