7.16.2012

The Fucking Manlist.

A while back, Lisa sent me a link to one woman's online Manlist--or list of criteria that her suitors must possess in order to be taken seriously. I remember reading it and thinking, damn, this bitch is demanding. But hilarious. And correct, actually.


The last post really made me realize that there are some behaviors that I simply wont tolerate because they should not be tolerated. Not by your partner. The more women who keep rationalizing these marginalizing behaviors simply emboldens them to act like that--so I'm opting out.

I've included the word 'fuck' a whole fucking lot to pay homage to the original.
Should we do this High Fidelity style? For old times sake?

The Fucking Manlist.


1. Pay a-fucking-ttention to me.


Listen, I work anywhere between 50 and 65 hours a week, so I'm not asking for you to be readily available all the time, but you might want to try calling every once in a while. And after you call, we could talk for a bit about the couple times a week that we could hang out. Also, you should live here, and I mean actually live here, not "have a room here." When we do hang out, you should be able to remember some things that I've fucking mentioned before. Did you forget my middle name? Fine. I'll forgive you. Did you forget that I didn't have a senior year of highschool? Unforgivable. That tidbit was likely part of a half-hour long story that you ignored. Also, I will not compete with inanimate objects, charitable organizations, political movements, or your parents for your time. This means that I must be more important to you than your guitar, your commitment to sustainable living, or the 99%. I understand that your Mom is important to you, but I don't want to talk about her while I'm naked. If you can't pay a-fucking-ttention to me, don't expect me to take Lakricia out of my bed to make room for you. Because I wont.

2. Don't fucking tell me who the fuck I can and cannot talk to.

I will, today and for the rest of my life, talk to whoever I please. I will not make exceptions for you. This means that I may speak to and hang out with people that I've had...OMG...sex with. Well, guess what? We're all adults, adults have sex with each other, and I am certainly no exception. This also means that you can't freak out every time I do something completely platonic with them like hug them as a greeting or help break down their drum kit after a show. These are not actions that lead directly to sex, so calm the fuck down. If I wanted to have sex with one of these dudes again I would probably just tell you that. I'm not really known for censoring myself, so why would you think I would in this situation?

3. Don't you fucking dare tell me what I can and cannot do with my own goddamned body.

Let's be really fucking clear here: you do not own my body. It's mine. And I will do with it whatever I please. Now, don't get me wrong, if you would like to suggest something I may want to do with my body like take a vitamin or go for a hike, I'll probably do it. I'll even allow you to say something like: "You know, you really shouldn't wear such high heels. They're bad for your feet and I worry about you." If you said that you would be absolutely correct, and I should probably strongly consider your advice. However, if you say something like: "I'm only 5'9"! I look like fucking Tom Cruise over here when you wear heels. You cannot wear them when you're with me," then you can go straight to fucking hell. I will wear heels whenever I please, as will I similarly don and remove my clothing, have abortions, get tattoos, and get fucked--at my discretion. This doesn't mean that I wont fuck you exclusively--that may happen. But if that scenario should come to pass, it will be because I made the decision to be monogamous to you because I want to, likely because you require that of a partner. That will be a decision that I make myself, for myself, to be with you. Also, I don't and will never need your "permission" to be/get naked for any reason. It's my fucking body. I will show it to whomever the fuck I please. Forever.

4. Fucking do something.


You don't have to have a lot of money. You don't have to be particularly successful. You don't need a post-graduate degree or a cabin in the Catskills or an office above the 25th floor somewhere. You must, however, love the fuck out of something and fucking do it. That's it. It could be pretty much anything--you could make t-shirts or raise chickens or play the glockenspiel--seriously, I don't really care what it is as long as, a) you love the fuck out of it and b) you are actually fucking doing it. If you get paid to do this thing, more power to you! That's great, but not a requirement from me. The only thing that this thing cannot be is play the fucking didgeridoo. I'm sorry, but a man cannot love a tube. And I'm not putting up with that shit again.

and finally,

5. Be fucking smart.


I require that you are smart. I mean, these are all requirements, but without this you prolly wont even make it to the barstool next to mine. Let me be exceedingly clear--I don't mean you need to act smart, but rather you must actually be smart. You can act like an asshole for all I care (as long as you pay a-fucking-ttention to me), and I'm not asking for you to be particularly scholarly, I'm asking that you be smart. Where you went to school, who your parents are, what you do for money, and the current standings of your fantasy fucking football team have no bearing on your inherent smartness, so don't bother bringing them up when stating your case, should you have to. Just do me a fucking favor, okay? Please just be fucking smart. Just be it. Or move on.

Other than that, you can pretty much look like anything or be any gender. I have somewhat of a type but break free of that mold quite often, so take that as you will.

"Now wait a minute," you're thinking, "if this person can be any gender, then why is this called the fucking Manlist?" Well, there are two reasons for that. 1, because that's what the original was called and it cracked me up. And 2, because women have their own list.

The Fucking Womanlist


1. Stop fucking crying.


--M


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