7.05.2012

Vonnegut is for boys, Robbins is for girls.

Some of you may have met Les recently, and even those who have not might know that I am completely obsessed with him. Don't know Les? He is a white-tail deer head that was stuffed long ago and is currently mounted on my wall. He watches me while I sleep and I hang my bras from his antlers.

I know Les is new, but as soon as he arrived I felt like he'd already been a part of my life forever. He fit right into my oversized bedroom seamlessly, and everyone (with the exception of Davis) loves him as soon as they see him. I love him too. Les also serves a super awesome purpose in my life--to round out my inanimate foursome.

If you haven't read Skinny Legs and All, do yourself the favor. I know, I know. It's hard for you to get past the first hundred pages, right? But if you can, you'll not only be privy to protagonist Ellen Cherry-Charles' emotional and physical journey from Seattle to New York, but also the same arduous journey performed by a purple sock, a silver spoon, a conch shell, and a can of beans.

Yeah, I know. You think this story line is nuts. But I counter that inanimate objects becoming characters isn't completely nuts until you name them.


I guess I fucking own nuts because I name mine, and Les is the fourth. This is what happens when you live alone.

The first three? In the order they came into my life:

Sinead O'Jeanskirt
So named because nothing compares to her. There are few things I love more than a bikini, a wifebeater, flip-flops, and Sinead O'Jeanskirt on a summer day. To be clear, the current Sinead O'Jeanskirt is actually the second one, as the first was irreparably destroyed after years of wear and the great San Franciscan Laundromat Debacle of '08. It was a tragic day. Sinead is constantly pissed at me that she's too short to wear to work. She hates only being brought out on Sundays.

Pony
Oh dear lord, Pony. I love her. So named because there are mustang iron on decals near the shoulders, Pony is my favorite shirt. She is a grey long sleeved western style shirt that has been carefully tailored to fit only me. I cannot live without Pony. She is known for loving champagne almost as much as I do.

Lakricia
Actually, it's Lakricia V, as there were 4 previous incarnations, all Mac laptops: a 14" iBook G3, a 14" iBook G4, a 13" white Macbook, a 15" Macbook Pro and finally the fast-as-balls, sleek, small and sophisticated 13" Macbook Pro. I have loved every one of my Lakricia's (especially the first, which I had for the longest time of all of them and wrote of extensively as my favorite bed partner), but Lakricia V and I are growing more and more in love with each other every day. I even bought her a Queen sized bed so she has more room, and as I always lay on my side she tucks perfectly right inside that little pocket created by my ribcage and thighs as I sleep. She always prefers the left side of the bed, and although I do too, I don't see fit to push the issue with her and [almost] always relent.

And finally,

Les
Les was named for a taxidermied moose head that adorns a wall in a house in one of my favorite novels. Now, Les is a white-tailed deer, but as he serves the same purpose as his namesake (specifically being awesome and holding bras) I don't think the original Les will be too upset. Especially since he's fictional. And my Les is real. So real in fact that he is constantly reminding me of all of the mistakes I make, and chides me about them before I fall asleep. His most recent lecture?

Hey Mox,
You were warned several times that boy toys are people too. You prolly should have listened, but in the meantime you could always just turn off your phone for the rest of the day. And hey, it could be worse: you could be dead and have your head mounted on some slut's bedroom wall.
Best,
--Les

It's probably about now that you're all like: "Hey, Moxie's posts have been a little lighthearted lately. Think there's any reason for that? I mean, it's all nail polish and jean skirts and text messages and crap. What gives?" And you're totally fucking right. There are stories in my head that I'm having a hard time extricating from my head, and there are boys in the inbox that I can't fucking handle right now, and there is nothing on my horizon except for the long days of summer spent at two different jobs and me stacking Benji's to be able to afford to move. 

I have been spending a lot of time with Lakricia lately, and none of it is making it here. 

Les, I'm sure, will have something to say about that.

--M

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