12.01.2012

Sixteen Hours.


[I finished this about 12 hours ago on flight MU538 to JFK from Shanghai. Enjoy.]

This isn’t fair,” I said, “this isn’t fucking fair.”

“No, it’s not. But it’s going to be okay.”

R—
At first I was just in shock, the first half hour or so. And of course I mean the first half hour after I stood on your front porch and raised my flat right palm to you as if to say one last goodbye. It’s weird that we parted this way, don’t you think? I mean, I’ve done this before—these boys and airplanes and all of these goodbyes—but I think this might be the first time where I was the one left on the inside of the threshold a few hours before I climbed aboard a plane.

Actually, I’m on a plane right now. A giant Airbus jet that is shaking so violently that it feels as if we’re going to fall out of the sky. I’m not scared of flying; I don’t actually think this plane is going to crash, but goddamn. Wouldn’t that be ironic? It took everything I’m made of just to make myself get on this flight, maybe I shouldn’t have after all. But if you’re reading this that means I landed safely somewhere, likely in New York as scheduled, and that I am currently spending or about to spend a long weekend in South Brooklyn alone and trying to forget that I posted this letter, and I’ll be hoping that someday soon will be the day that I wont look for you when I wake up in the morning because it feels like fucking torture every time I wake up and you’re not there.

Let me clarify that: it’s not so bad that you’re not there, I mean, we did that a handful of times in Melbourne, the scant five or six nights that I spent there but not in your bed. I just mean to say that it’s not so much that it’s bad that you’re not there, it’s that you’re not going to be there, and this will continue for the near-future forever, some kind of indefinitely, and when I wake up the memory of this hits me in waves and my breath catches in my throat and tears well in my eyes and now I’m on this goddamn plane and I can’t sleep; I’m on a 16 hour flight from Shanghai to JFK and I can’t just go the fuck to sleep because I can’t bear waking up again only to slowly realize that you’re gone. It feels horrible, and yeah, I’ve done this before but not like this. Not with oceans between us. Not with passports and visas and over a day of air travel that costs a month’s wages; not with us being two different nationalities. This just isn’t fucking fair.

I spent last night in Shanghai. When my plane from Melbourne landed there yesterday it jolted me awake and I realized that I was alone, in China, again. I realized that you were gone and it was cold outside, that I had to go through Chinese customs, that it was dark, that I couldn’t call you, that you were gone, and that it was a long way on two slow trains to my hotel and that you were definitely gone. The only thing you assuredly need to travel smoothly through customs in a mildly communist country is a smile, and it was the one thing I couldn’t quite muster. They pulled me aside immediately, double-checked my itinerary with the airline, and then finally sent me on my way. I went straight to my hotel, locked myself in my room, chain smoked the last of my Champion Ruby, and fell asleep under two beds worth of blankets that I had spread across just one.

I had drawn the shades before I went to sleep, so when I woke up I didn’t know if it was early or just dark, and for a split second it felt exactly like being in your pitch-black bedroom at noon. It didn’t feel weird to be alone, it just seemed like you had risen early for work and left me sleepy and naked in your bed. But then my eyelids slowly parted, and the far wall seemed just a bit too close, and then it was clear that this was not your guitar-laden bedroom but rather was the stark Chinese hotel that I had fallen asleep in the night before, that this was nothing more than a very early, very lonely, very rainy morning in Shanghai. It was 5:23, my flight to New York wasn’t until almost noon, but I got up anyway and stood still for far too long in a hot, hot shower, then picked up my clothes from the bathroom floor that I had just removed and put them all back on. Down the street, at the All Days Grocery, I spent the equivalent of about five Australian dollars on four packs of Double Happiness tailor 20’s, and I returned to my hotel and shoved them in the top of my backpack before making the long trek back to Pu-Dong International to catch my flight to New York.

A couple years ago, was it on Facebook? Thao put up a picture of a message arranged on a refrigerator in those magnets that you give to kids to learn their letters but that never actually hold anything up properly. It bore a bunch of your names, you and your friends I mean, and I remember seeing it then and giggling. “It’s weird though, because now I’ve totally met you guys,” I told you, “I mean, I’ve put some real flesh and blood faces to a list of names.” You just laughed, noting that the really weird part was that you had, in fact, helped to make that sign.

I wish I was there right now. It’s about half-midnight on Saturday night in Melbourne, and if I was there we might have sat outside together and drank tiny bitter beers, and by now we could have retired to your bed to look at my train map on my phone. I could show you everywhere I’ve lived again; the L Jefferson, the M Knickerbocker. The R 45th. The G Nassau. I would show you where the F splits from the rest of the orange line and stops right in front of Gallery. Then I will scroll up and show you Harlem, Yankee Stadium. Down for 14th street, the East Village, The Financial District. Over to Williamsburg and Greenpoint.

“These are like fairy tale places to me,” you said when I first showed it to you, “I mean, you live there. In New York. And this is your train map.” Yes, yes, that is all true. I live in New York, and I’m dying to lift that veil of New York for you, to make it real and static, to show you all my favorite places just as you and your friends have done for me in Melbourne.

Is that what we should have done? With our sixteen hours? I just assumed that I should use that time to come clean—that if we were purposefully putting off some kind of conversation until a designated time then it should be less about saying all of the things that I had been scared to say and more about doing the things that I fear doing. Like make plans. Hard-fast plans. Plans to show you about my fairy tale town via unlimited Metrocard and a train map. But that would require months of planning, of foresight, are you feeling me? Doesn’t this totally scare you? I mean, I’m not going to beat around this one, let’s get straight to it: what if you buy a plane ticket, to The States, and start dating someone else in the meantime? What does that mean?

I’m desperately in love with Melbourne. It’s dethroned both Berlin and Mexico City as my favorite city that I’ve ever been, and it’s pretty obvious why. It has the educated populace and freneticism of New York but those narrow palm tree-lined streets and fierce bohemia of San Francisco. It’s both port and beach town, it’s downtown and uptown and suburb and fast trains and up all night and sleep in late on Sunday. It’s literally the perfect city for me, and I’m kicking myself for waiting so long to go. But then again, maybe I went at the perfect time: me, a single Australiophile, and you, having just missed your flight to Brisbane. But now I’m having a hard time divorcing the two from each other—you and Melbourne—and I want both so badly that I’m not sure which one I actually want more.

It’s not fair that it has to be like this. I mean, fuck. Don’t I deserve you? I deserve to be able to date you, don’t I? Like normal people do, because we could be the best daters ever. If we lived but a few tram stops away from each other we’d be dating famously by now—we’d have kept a few more secrets from each other and I wouldn’t have to be on this goddamned plane right now—In fact, I’d probably have just seen you tonight for the first time after you were away playing that festival last weekend, and I would have worn a bright red dress and smiled broadly when I finally saw you out back at the bar, and I would have greeted you with hugs and asked you how your show was. That’s what normal couples do, you know. They hang out on weekends and the occasional Wednesday; they definitely do not live together immediately and then part citing that one of them has to fly home to America. But then again, they are also not usually as lucky as we to have had a perfect three weeks. Perfect.

“I want to see you again. Like this. I mean, I’m not sure what I mean.”

You assure me we’ll see each other again, and I believe you, and I even believe when you tell me that the time between will find you comparing every woman you meet to me, because I think I might just do the same.

It was Saturday…morning, right? When you missed your flight to Brisbane to see your favorite band only to find me at the bar later? I used to do that to—fly around to see bands play when they weren’t touring where I lived—I would have been similarly infuriated had I been told I couldn’t board my flight.

Real quick: do you want to hear something crazy? I’ve been on this plane for ten hours, and I’m another six from disembarking. Can you believe that?

Anyway, I’ve done that before. Flown across my country or up its’ coast just to see a band. Many times, actually. And once, very famously in my circle of friends I should add, I flew home from a music festival feeling, for the first time, what it was like to have a boys’ name on the tip of my tongue and his naked body in my minds eye and no earthly idea when it might be that I’d see him again. We parted on a street corner in a north Seattle suburb and I took red-eye out of Sea-Tac that night, and after narrowly missing my transfer at Dallas/Ft. Worth I finally got back to Miami the following early afternoon. I found my decrepit Volvo in the Parking garage at MIA, maneuvered her onto I-95, and screamed all the way home while listening to Gomez’s sophomore album louder than my slight speakers could handle. I parked illegally behind my South Beach apartment after I had finally made it across the causeway, and with my luggage still in the trunk of my car I bounded through my unlocked back door and through my kitchen to my desk. There, I switched on my desktop and, on but a two-week advance, immediately bought another plane ticket out west.

I tell you this to illustrate that it’s wildly different this time.

You are 10,000 more miles, 1600 more United States dollars, and six months to three years of immigration paperwork further away from me now than this boy was from me then.

My girlfriends in Seattle might point out, however, that otherwise you are strikingly similar to him both in stature and statistics. If you met them, my girlfriends I mean, they would laugh and note that you are, like him, three years younger than me, a musician, can just barely not squeeze into my jeans, and live far away. But they will delight in all the ways that you do not fulfill this same cannon! You’re name doesn’t start with the same letter as mine and your accent might just make them forget that they are supposed to chide me for having done this before. Been there before. Done you. Boarded planes for you. Missed you and loved you and no, wait. That’s gross. I don’t love you.

I’ve only known you a few weeks.


I watched you sleep for a long time my last night in town. “I don’t want to go to sleep,” I said, and you said you didn’t want to either, but I told you that you had work in the morning so you held my hand in yours and you touched your forehead to mine, and I watched as your whole body went slack and your breathing slowed. It’s not fucking fair.

“Are you awake?” I said softly, and your chest continued to rise and fall as it had been for the last few minutes.

There was no answer. You were warm and heavy and paralytic with sleep, and I was wide awake and too, too hot, and upset.

“Raz,” I said again, “You’re asleep, right?” No answer.

“I love you,” I whispered, and I raised my left palm to meet your cheek, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

We spoke of this, of what would happen now. We spoke of every unhealthy and psychotic thing we would each do in the wake of my leaving: me writing some 3000 words of piss and drivel and addressing it to you and you pouring over all of my social media with a fine toothed comb. We laughed at this! How funny we are that we would not only fulfill every stereotype, but also admit it before hand. The only thing I didn’t tell you was that I had laid the long night in your bed knowing exactly when and where I would write this story down, knowing already exactly what I would say in print; I had already written parts of this in my head even before it came out of my mouth as a whisper.

I didn’t make your bed or fold your laundry before I left. I wanted to, but I fucked off too much and ran out of time. “Quit crying and get in the shower,” I told myself, “you can cry all you want in China.”

I had just enough time to leave you a note.

You are, Ryan. You are the single best thing that has surprised me this year.

And it has already been a very surprising year.

XO—M

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